Never in my life have I been so completely spent. Never could I have prepared enough for the steps leading up to this moment. Never could I have thought that these things would rip apart my heart and sanity at the expense of achieving happiness for others…. EVEN THEN…. it wasn’t enough. For I could never please everyone. I could anticipate that truth. I was focused on the two. I was focused on the goal. Gladly stated, I would say we successfully achieved just that.
And it was epic.
It was the wedding of the century.
Winter Wonderland was accomplished.
The vision was carried out.
Everyone was undeniably blown away in some form or another.
So I decided.
I lived, loved and laughed in my own way.
I enjoyed the moment that I could free my mind of everything else that was still pressing against my soul during this time of detachment. Loss of connection. Loss of what I thought was in some capacity completely mine.
Who could understand that but a mom like me. A woman like me that cares too much and cares too deeply. This internal thing, I can’t even articulate well. Its the best of both worlds. But I found that far few that would make me smile. The few that would make me laugh. The few that would extend the perfect words specifically to me in that moment of frustration and perfection colliding.
Who could know such anguish? My thoughts waged war–like never before. I wanted to crush my head to stop the severity and consistency of the never-ending thoughts bombarding my core.
It was changing my being. I couldn’t even speak, sleep or do anything fully functional.
And just when you want something to be over, it only becomes the beginning of your reality.
Everything changes. Even you.
Life’s tough. It’s heavy. Perplexing. And it keeps on moving. How can I break the things that are breaking me?
Its time to leave the places that drain your soul. How can you keep pouring out when everything inside of you has been pulled out? Let me just keep to this script right now. Because everything else is just passing me by. Let me focus on the things that will keep me whole. I’m gonna do what I can to rest. Rest my mind, rest my peace, rest my state of being, rest my world of creeping chaos. I’m gonna be intentional about that as I said on Sunday… #sorrynotsorry
But you must stay focused and be alert at all times. Tolerate suffering. Accomplish the good work of an evangelist, and complete the ministry to which you have been called. For I am already being poured out, and the last drops of this drink offering are all that remain; it’s almost time for me to leave. I have fought the good fight, I have stayed on course and finished the race, and through it all, I have kept believing. I look forward to what’s in store for me: a crown of righteousness that the Lord—the always right and just judge—will give me that day (but it is not only for me, but for all those who love and long for His appearing).
2 Timothy 4:5-8 (VOICE)