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I just want someone to say I’m sorry to me.

At least for the things I know I did right.

Not to bring a narrative. Not to find fault with me. Not to explain away what happened.

Just… I’m sorry.

As for me–I’m sorry for it all. For every foolish thing I did. For every wrong word, wrong reaction, wrong decision. For everything I did that somehow became part of the reason I now have to fiercely walk through these trials.

I’m sorry for fighting flesh and blood.

I’m sorry for fighting the wrong things, with the wrong words, in the wrong ways—doing things just to see if somehow, some way, I could win.

But I don’t want to fight anymore.

NO FIGHTING.

What I really need is a super-healing hug. A bear hug. The kind where somebody just holds you and you don’t have to explain anything.

Hands of prayer over me.

Someone consoling me.

Someone covering me in prayer and reminding me that the Spirit of God is still with me.

Because I need to do what I know to do:

Worship through this.

Pray like I CLEARLY KNOW HOW.

I am exhausted.

Tired.

Weakened.

And there are things happening that I never would have expected or anticipated—things rising up in the most uncanny ways.

And yet…

God did something today.

Because I asked Him to.

I said, “Give me something.”

Just something.

Something I could hold onto.

Something that would remind me that You are still here.

In my mind, I want to say all these things as the thoughts pass through me. I want to defend myself. Explain myself. Correct every false accusation. Figure out who is for me and who is against me.

Unknowing enemies. Unexpected challenges. Things coming at me full force.

And then, of all things…

I got stung by a bee.

Seriously?

Of all things.

And because part of the stinger was still beneath the surface, my body reacted and the allergic symptoms began to manifest. I got it out and got medication in me as quickly as I could.

And I was reading ChatGPT afterward, and it was basically saying:

CALL 911. GO TO THE ER. IF YOU CAN’T BREATHE, THIS IS SERIOUS.

And I thought…

That’s exactly how I feel.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t catch a break.

Trial after trial. Situation after situation. One thing after another.

But maybe that is exactly where God is asking me to stop trying to breathe life into things He never asked me to carry.

Maybe I don’t have to fight.

Maybe I don’t have to explain.

Maybe I don’t have to anticipate the next attack.

Maybe I don’t have to brace for impact.

NO FIGHTING.

People change, right?

YES.

Today, I heard something beautiful from a relative.

I asked, “You know me. Have I changed? Am I still the same person?”

And they said, “Yeah… but I would say you changed for the BETTER.”

You in your 50s is so much better than meeting you in your 40s.

Amen.

That did something to me.

Because sometimes when you’re walking through difficult seasons, you start questioning everything.

Am I becoming someone I don’t recognize?

Have I changed too much?

Did I lose myself somewhere along the way?

And maybe the answer is:

Yes, I changed.

But maybe I was supposed to.

Maybe the woman I am becoming is stronger, wiser, more discerning, more surrendered, more compassionate, and more dependent on God than the woman I used to be.

And then another friend gave me something I desperately needed to hear:

DON’T THINK THE WORST.

Don’t live there.

Don’t make a home in fear.

Don’t constantly brace for impact.

I have to stop creating stories in my head about situations I don’t have answers for.

I have to stop creating lies about my future based on circumstances I cannot control.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds.

But He does.

And He has got that.

So I give it all to Him.

The questions.

The accusations.

The uncertainty.

The relationships.

The future.

The things I don’t understand.

The things I wish were different.

The things I desperately want to fix.

The things I keep replaying in my mind.

I give it all to Him.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been waking up at 3 a.m.

4 a.m.

Before the sun comes up.

Hours of early rising just to get my face back into the presence of God like never before.

Because I need Him.

Not just His answers.

Him.

I said, “Give me something.”

And in the most unexpected way, He did.

He gave me a reminder.

A perspective.

A word.

A confirmation.

And today, I didn’t fight.

I praised.

I didn’t have all the answers.

I worshiped.

I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring.

I trusted.

I didn’t know how everything would work out.

I gave it to God.

And maybe the something I asked Him for wasn’t a change in my circumstances.

Maybe it was a change in me.

A reminder that I don’t have to fight flesh and blood.

I don’t have to win every argument.

I don’t have to prove every point.

I don’t have to chase every thought down every rabbit hole.

I don’t have to live bracing for impact.

There is no fighting when I surrender.

So tonight, I choose worship.

I choose prayer.

I choose peace.

I choose to believe that God is working even when I cannot see how.

And I choose to believe that the woman standing here today—the exhausted, tired, weakened, but still-standing woman—is not the same woman she used to be.

She’s better.

She’s wiser.

She’s still becoming.

And she’s still here.

God, You said give me something.

And You did.

Today, all I did was praise.

All I did was worship.

And for today…

that is enough.

NO FIGHTING.

I’m leaving the battle with God.

Scripture base:

Psalm 141: 1-5 NLT
O Lord, I am calling to you.  Please hurry! Listen when I cry to you for Help! Accept my prayer as incense offered to you, and my upraised hands as an evening offering. Take control of what I say, O lord, and guard my lips.  Don’t let me drift toward evil or take part in acts of evil or take part in acts of wickedness. Don’t let me share in the delicacies of those who do wrong.  Let the gold strike me! IT will be a kindness! If they correct me, it is a soothing medicine.  Don’t let me refuse it.  But I pray constantly against the wicked and their deeds.

Ephesians 6:10-18 NLT
A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.  Put on ALL of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against ALL STRATEGIES of the devil. For we are NOT fighting against flesh and blood enemies.  But against evil rulers and authorities of the UNSEEN WORLD, against mighty powers in this dark world and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.  Therefore put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil.  Then after the battle you will be standing firm.  Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good NEWS so that you will be fully prepared.  In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.  Put on salvation as your helmet.  PRAY IN THE SPIRIT AT ALL TIMES and on EVERY occasion.  STAY ALERT and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere

Cheers to the New Year ahead! It has been such an amazing year for us closing up 2021. It has been our first full year with all “four” seasons in the peach state of Georgia. Bittersweet to leave behind our loved ones but we really soak in the time that we have when we are together.

Being here has been a wonderful first year from moving into this empty home to making it our own. Every time I had an opportunity, I took the time to pick something else up and we have created a peaceful oasis. That is how home should be. An environment to wake up grateful everyday and learn how to be governed more by a sincere and reach gratitude.

From hearing the birds chirp to the flat paved roads and southern hospitality here. I am so grateful for these past 12 months and looking to the many more great ones ahead in 2022 and beyond!

I hope that you all enjoyed your year just like we have. Of course we had many challenges as Jonathan C says “not everything is peaches n cream!” but here we are in a place where we can take in a slower pace and not be rushed to the bone minute by minute like the way we have lived in the city. Being in a different place has changed us indeed. We are at peace. We are taking things at a more controlled pace. We are receiving the things God had stored up for us. We are enjoying each other.

It could look like we forgot about a lot of things but not quite so. What we did was hyper focus our now and maximize on where God has placed us to flourish. For not only did we find our home but we made our home church here by following the road of grace! How amazing to connect with the One that would lead us to the one that would provide us the space. God is good. He is our REFUGE! Thank You Jesus.

The prayer is this — that you would excel in all that you do. Look at all the good things you have accomplished this year with God on your side. Look at what God is doing to always set you up for success. He answers prayer. Now lets take further action in 2022 and keep to what is ours!

I pray that the Father of glory, the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, would impart to you the riches of the Spirit of wisdom and the Spirit of revelation to know him through your deepening intimacy with him. I pray that the light of God will illuminate the eyes of your imagination, flooding you with light, until you experience the full revelation of the hope of his calling that is, the wealth of God’s glorious inheritances that he finds in us, his holy ones! I pray that you will continually experience the immeasurable greatness of God’s power made available to you through faith. Then your lives will be an advertisement of this immense power as it works through you! This is the mighty power that was released when God raised Christ from the dead and exalted him to the place of highest honor and supreme authority in the heavenly realm!
Ephesians 1:17-20 The Passion Translation