I needed a hug. I needed a sorry. I needed to be seen.
I didn’t need to be blatantly hurt—week after week, month after month, year after year—simply because I was me.
If I said I was sorry, if I acknowledged my part, if I sought options for change, why wasn’t that enough?
Still, I was avoided. Still, I was ignored. Still, I was pushed away. Still, I was shut out.
Simply, painfully, not a priority.
I shared my thoughts, and yet I received none in return. I extended the olive branch, and somehow I was still left holding the short end of the stick.
And then, even companions of all sorts left me feeling like Job.
Not understanding. Not taking the lift. Not really seeing the depth of what I was walking through. When it was done for them.
They kept through motions as if nothing life-altering had happened, while I was quietly unraveling beneath the weight of it all.
And perhaps they didn’t know. Perhaps they could only process their own then grasp my wounded posture if I previously presented wholeness.
Perhaps they couldn’t see that while life seemed to keep moving around me, I was only breaking further inside. I am stripped down to none.
I wasn’t asking anyone to fix me.
I wasn’t asking anyone to school me.
I just needed someone to see me.
To hear me.
To sit with me in the mess and help me navigate the chaos instead of basic approach like nothing had happened.
And somewhere in all of that silence, I began to believe the lie that maybe I simply didn’t matter.
But then…
God pulled me into the night.
Not to abandon me there, but to remind me that there is One who has loved me more deeply, more faithfully, and more completely through it all.
Psalm 31 found me there.
And I wept.
I cried the tears I had been holding back, and God saw my anguish. He saw every unanswered prayer, every unanswered question, every moment I wondered if I mattered.
And He gave me something precious:
A ground to stand on.
A place to carry me when I felt like I had nothing left to carry myself.
Even when I knew I might have to walk through this season feeling alone, He reminded me that I would never truly be alone.
He would find strength for me in the darkest of nights. Peace for me in the greatest distress. Joy for me when I couldn’t find my smile. Hope for me when I had lost faith in my future.
And in this uncharted territory…
THERE HE WOULD LEAD ME.
And I would be okay.
Because when I kept feeling myself breaking, He was building me back up.
Stronger. Wiser. Deeper. More grounded.
Perhaps I was never being forgotten.
Perhaps I was being repositioned.
Perhaps the silence around me was making room for me to finally hear the One who had been speaking all along.
Seen. Heard. Answered.
Not always in the way I expected.
But always by the One who knows exactly what I need.
“With weeping they shall come, and with pleas for mercy I will lead them back; I will make them walk by brooks of water, in a straight path in which they shall not stumble, for I am a father to Israel, and Ephraim is my firstborn.”
Not to bring a narrative. Not to find fault with me. Not to explain away what happened.
Just… I’m sorry.
As for me–I’m sorry for it all. For every foolish thing I did. For every wrong word, wrong reaction, wrong decision. For everything I did that somehow became part of the reason I now have to fiercely walk through these trials.
I’m sorry for fighting flesh and blood.
I’m sorry for fighting the wrong things, with the wrong words, in the wrong ways—doing things just to see if somehow, some way, I could win.
But I don’t want to fight anymore.
NO FIGHTING.
What I really need is a super-healing hug. A bear hug. The kind where somebody just holds you and you don’t have to explain anything.
Hands of prayer over me.
Someone consoling me.
Someone covering me in prayer and reminding me that the Spirit of God is still with me.
Because I need to do what I know to do:
Worship through this.
Pray like I CLEARLY KNOW HOW.
I am exhausted.
Tired.
Weakened.
And there are things happening that I never would have expected or anticipated—things rising up in the most uncanny ways.
And yet…
God did something today.
Because I asked Him to.
I said, “Give me something.”
Just something.
Something I could hold onto.
Something that would remind me that You are still here.
In my mind, I want to say all these things as the thoughts pass through me. I want to defend myself. Explain myself. Correct every false accusation. Figure out who is for me and who is against me.
Unknowing enemies. Unexpected challenges. Things coming at me full force.
And then, of all things…
I got stung by a bee.
Seriously?
Of all things.
And because part of the stinger was still beneath the surface, my body reacted and the allergic symptoms began to manifest. I got it out and got medication in me as quickly as I could.
And I was reading ChatGPT afterward, and it was basically saying:
CALL 911. GO TO THE ER. IF YOU CAN’T BREATHE, THIS IS SERIOUS.
And I thought…
That’s exactly how I feel.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t catch a break.
Trial after trial. Situation after situation. One thing after another.
But maybe that is exactly where God is asking me to stop trying to breathe life into things He never asked me to carry.
Maybe I don’t have to fight.
Maybe I don’t have to explain.
Maybe I don’t have to anticipate the next attack.
Maybe I don’t have to brace for impact.
NO FIGHTING.
People change, right?
YES.
Today, I heard something beautiful from a relative.
I asked, “You know me. Have I changed? Am I still the same person?”
And they said, “Yeah… but I would say you changed for the BETTER.”
You in your 50s is so much better than meeting you in your 40s.
Amen.
That did something to me.
Because sometimes when you’re walking through difficult seasons, you start questioning everything.
Am I becoming someone I don’t recognize?
Have I changed too much?
Did I lose myself somewhere along the way?
And maybe the answer is:
Yes, I changed.
But maybe I was supposed to.
Maybe the woman I am becoming is stronger, wiser, more discerning, more surrendered, more compassionate, and more dependent on God than the woman I used to be.
And then another friend gave me something I desperately needed to hear:
DON’T THINK THE WORST.
Don’t live there.
Don’t make a home in fear.
Don’t constantly brace for impact.
I have to stop creating stories in my head about situations I don’t have answers for.
I have to stop creating lies about my future based on circumstances I cannot control.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds.
But He does.
And He has got that.
So I give it all to Him.
The questions.
The accusations.
The uncertainty.
The relationships.
The future.
The things I don’t understand.
The things I wish were different.
The things I desperately want to fix.
The things I keep replaying in my mind.
I give it all to Him.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been waking up at 3 a.m.
4 a.m.
Before the sun comes up.
Hours of early rising just to get my face back into the presence of God like never before.
Because I need Him.
Not just His answers.
Him.
I said, “Give me something.”
And in the most unexpected way, He did.
He gave me a reminder.
A perspective.
A word.
A confirmation.
And today, I didn’t fight.
I praised.
I didn’t have all the answers.
I worshiped.
I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring.
I trusted.
I didn’t know how everything would work out.
I gave it to God.
And maybe the something I asked Him for wasn’t a change in my circumstances.
Maybe it was a change in me.
A reminder that I don’t have to fight flesh and blood.
I don’t have to win every argument.
I don’t have to prove every point.
I don’t have to chase every thought down every rabbit hole.
I don’t have to live bracing for impact.
There is no fighting when I surrender.
So tonight, I choose worship.
I choose prayer.
I choose peace.
I choose to believe that God is working even when I cannot see how.
And I choose to believe that the woman standing here today—the exhausted, tired, weakened, but still-standing woman—is not the same woman she used to be.
She’s better.
She’s wiser.
She’s still becoming.
And she’s still here.
God, You said give me something.
And You did.
Today, all I did was praise.
All I did was worship.
And for today…
that is enough.
NO FIGHTING.
I’m leaving the battle with God.
Scripture base:
Psalm 141: 1-5 NLT O Lord, I am calling to you. Please hurry! Listen when I cry to you for Help! Accept my prayer as incense offered to you, and my upraised hands as an evening offering. Take control of what I say, O lord, and guard my lips. Don’t let me drift toward evil or take part in acts of evil or take part in acts of wickedness. Don’t let me share in the delicacies of those who do wrong. Let the gold strike me! IT will be a kindness! If they correct me, it is a soothing medicine. Don’t let me refuse it. But I pray constantly against the wicked and their deeds.
Ephesians 6:10-18 NLT A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on ALL of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against ALL STRATEGIES of the devil. For we are NOT fighting against flesh and blood enemies. But against evil rulers and authorities of the UNSEEN WORLD, against mighty powers in this dark world and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good NEWS so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet. PRAY IN THE SPIRIT AT ALL TIMES and on EVERY occasion. STAY ALERT and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere
Wow! I haven’t posted anything here for 2 years –it’s just been that busy. Now we are back in the same season full cycle twice and I hope that I will make the time to invest more in a gift that brought me much peace. I feel like to some degree maybe I ran out of encouraging words to say. Wasn’t sure if they even mattered as much. But they did. They mattered to me. They mattered that I would take the time to express in the way that I was gifted by God to do so.
So here are the encouraging words today — from my devo book by “Jesus First Women” The Lord gives His people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace. Psalm 29:11
“When you find yourself weary or weak, know this: the Lord can give you strength!” And that is what we need most of all especially in this season. It’s not just the God holiday. It is not just all the shopping and gifts. It is to remember to still pull strength from the only source that can equip you in every way. It is not the job to give you strength. It is not the new position. It is not the money or success. It is not the fancy cars and decked out homes. It is not even the people that surround you as much. It is that GOD GIVES His people strength. It is God that will bless us with the peace that we need and that is how we will feel our strongest. When we can breathe Him in, in the midst of all the rest. We take the time to acknowledge Him and basque in His presence.
I am grateful for the Sunday word today that was so much in alignment with this. We sat at the kings table in 2025 in our lives and as we approach another year so quickly with so many things that have changed — He wants us to experience GREATER GLORY! That is a promise for us.
Let’s take the time this season to pull on the strength from our Lord. Take the time to be with Him more. Take the time out to relax, refresh and reset because it’s not about just being “busy” all the time. It is about us being purposeful. I choose to get my strength from God and nothing else. When anything else tries to come my way to bring on any unnecessary stress I will say to myself — I am stronger than this! Stronger because I get this from God.
What a beautiful thing that is. Happy Holidays all!
It’s my favorite holiday! I have been planning already for weeks time, getting everything ready. And yet things never turn out as you expected, sort of.
We are familiar with the term, “too good to be true” so even with all my faith planning I had this little gnawing feeling like it wasn’t going to happen how I really wanted.
Never really is the case.
They are doing fireworks in my neighborhood it appears now at midnight. And I’m sad. So far away.
Sigh.
I just finished putting the majority of the gifts under the tree with that serious hiatus.
Somehow, someway the very best presents is the one with presence. That is to have your loved ones around. That’s all I wanted.
Little detour still in December. Let me pray this through, make what I can of this and put on some effort here. Make it a happy Christmas Jesus. It was always supposed to be You. ♥️
”For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.“ Isaiah 9:6 NIV
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