I didn’t realize how much turmoil and despair were literally bathing me daily. No matter how much I tried to recover, I would find myself caked again in disappointment, agony, toxicity, constant turmoil and the like.
I couldn’t catch a break for months, no matter what I did.
I cried every single day—for weeks, for months, sometimes for hours at a time. It was nonstop. Gut-wrenching attacks.
And then I packed diligently and drove off.
Even as I was driving, I could feel the peace overtaking me. I knew I was bringing myself into a healthy place.
There are two kinds of “green pastures.”
There is the one you find while you’re still in the valley—where, despite the situation surrounding you, you are somehow able to withstand.
And then there is the one we long to experience with longevity: a place of PEACE AND REST.
Now I want to cry because of the gratitude.
I can’t believe I am here, in a place where I can find wholeness again. Where I can find hope.
There are smiles everywhere. Laughter bouncing off the walls. Conversations I can take part in with people of all ages—and even the biggest, fluffiest dog. LOL.
It’s peaceful.
I have been slammed day and night with pain, conflict, troubles, chaos, and confusion. The moment I thought I was out of the miry clay, I found myself right back in it—and somehow even deeper.
But I know God’s got my back. He tells me in His Word:
“I can never escape from Your Spirit! I can never get away from Your presence! If I go up to heaven, You are there; if I go down to the grave, You are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, If I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your strength will support me.” Psalm 139:7–10 NLT
“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, ‘My grace is ALL YOU NEED. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:8–9 NLT
I kept asking, and I didn’t get a reprieve.
Hours passed. Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed.
It would appear to be approaching the year mark, considering the trend. I cannot even fathom that.
The quiet was hard to obtain. The smile was hard to keep. The love I wanted so desperately to feel was fleeting.
And then I walked into reminders that I was someone who mattered.
Someone whose presence could make others feel grateful.
It’s not to say I was completely devoid of that before. What I am saying is that there was a huge gap—a breach between what I was experiencing and the plenitude of love, connection, peace, and belonging that we require.
Even my music has changed.
I’ve been listening to my “spunk” playlist more—the peppier Christian beats that make me want to move, smile, and feel alive again.
I can breathe again.
I needed to breathe again.
Whole boatloads of air after feeling like I had been suffocating and drowning for so long.
The Lord knew.
Otherwise, He wouldn’t have paved the way like this for me to be in this place—right now, right here. And so quickly. A place of healing and much needed rest.
Maybe this green pasture isn’t about forgetting the valley. Maybe it’s about finally being still long enough to realize just how exhausted I had become walking through it in everywhere I turned.
And perhaps this is my hallmark—not that I escaped every painful thing, but that somewhere along the way, God reminded me that pain does not get to have the final word.
There is still peace. There is still laughter. There is still love. There is still hope.
And there is still me underneath everything I have endured.
PSALM 18:19 “He brought me out to a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”
ChatGPT says “That’s Psalm 18:19 (NIV), and “spacious place” has a much deeper meaning there than simply a large physical space.
David is describing God bringing him out of distress, confinement, danger, and pressure into a place of freedom, safety, and relief.
“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” — Psalm 18:19
The imagery is powerful: I was trapped, pressed in, surrounded—and God brought me somewhere I could breathe again.
And the second half is especially tender: “because He delighted in me.” David isn’t only saying, God got me out. He’s saying, God wanted me. God cared about what was happening to me. I mattered to Him.
So spiritually, a “spacious place” can represent freedom after confinement, peace after turmoil, safety after danger, and room to breathe after a season that has felt suffocating.
WOW!
This week I had a high and an immediate low. I was able to accomplish something that I haven’t been able to do in eons! I fasted and prayed straight 3 days no food, no drink.
Just water.
By the 4th day coming out of the fast I began to experience strong lower abdominal pains. It started out subtle but then it continued to radiate all the way to my back and became more intense. The night came and I couldn’t sleep that’s how painful it was. By day 2 everyone was telling me to go to the DRs immediately! I woke again in dire pain and took myself to the ER that was just about 10 minutes away.
Now naturally I was thinking the worst! Who wouldn’t? Unless everyone of course are these huge faith giants. I was calm but then my mind wasn’t. It started to run rampant with all these negative thoughts just sacking my mind. At one point I was even crying as uncontrollable tears just began to run down my face with all the unknowns.
I was taken care of IMMEDIATELY. I barely had to wait. I had time to do my morning devotional even. Kudos! I can’t miss this. It’s my forever start to my day since June and even more so in this past couple months.
I had bloodwork, scans and an IV put in – again all very quickly. But the WAIT for the results was not that quick. That part took hours. While I was waiting again with my mind running rampant I dozed off and slept in peace for a good 30/40 minutes in that room laying on that hospital bed. The pain would come and go still. Then the 2 residents came in to give me the results. Bloodwork came back good and so did the scan. I had what you call enteritis and colitis. In layman’s terms this was inflammation of both my small and large intestines. He said “your body is trying to get rid of something”. Like I caught a bacteria, infection or food poisoning of some sort.
I was fasting though. I did remember that the weekend I had a truck food pizza that was undercooked. I took a few bites then tossed it. I gotta say –I don’t know what prompted me to do that fast to start Sunday but I did as my hunger wasn’t as potent as it usually is. Which is a good thing because my body naturally needed to detox as well as my spirit for strengthening.
The thing is this. How was I even able to REST in that 30/40 minutes while waiting for some serious results. This was dangerous! I know how – God kept me in PERFECT PEACE because even with all these thoughts in my mind Jesus is still reigning OVER that. The fact that I kept filling myself and filling myself and filling myself. I slept in PERFECT PEACE. Thank you Jesus. Because the nights for months have been oh so sleepless.
I been reflecting all week. All month. Gosh for MONTHS! But more so now WITH the Lord. With being filled with the spirit day by day; night by night. I keep saying, “Jesus lover of my soul – God You found me!” He sought me out. He really came gunning for me and it’s just the best thing that I could have experienced.
I have such an intense job. There was a week coming that I had to do a huge presentation of all my clients before senior leadership. Mentally I was utterly WRECKED in every way. I couldn’t even process how I would gather this all and deliver! BUT GOD. I did it Tuesday and received amazing feedback all throughout and claps upon completion. I was concise, filled with insight, knowledge and strategic output with planning for what’s to come. I even made them laugh – go figure!
Literally in my WORST era of my life LOL. It was the “BBOD” for me. Bring back our desks!
Anyway – as I was walking out a gentleman from my job that I have worked with for 5 years ran out to approach me to confirm that I was “religious and still went to church”.
I said, “of course!” He then mentioned Free Chapel and my mind already went to Jentzen Franklin. But I had to hear it. I asked “Who’s the pastor of that church?” Which he did confirm was him. He shared he had ONE EXTRA ticket if I wanted it for the upcoming weekend which was a Women’s Conference. Lil ole me!
Could you believe that!!!
I said “Heck yeah!!!! ABSOLUTELY!”
He told me that he would confirm if it was still available and text me. By next morning it was confirmed. In like Flynn!!! I had a seat!!
You have no idea just how timely this was where it says “Who am I that you are so mindful of me” Psalm 8:4. Well He has been so mindful of me and I couldn’t be more grateful. So so so grateful. They even had lunch for me ordered! It was like God preparing a special weekend for me – just to take care of me! I had been desperate for this and been pondering on finding a way to go to one of these events for weeks!
You know how long it’s been since I been to a church, got prayed for – laying of hands on my body with no holding back. Gosh I wept! Gut-wrenching tears! Clutched fists hitting the ground. A towel instead of tissue for the snot cries! I know this is nasty but this was me –completely and utterly bare before all to see there. God WRECKED ME lovely!!! He took my ugly and just poured oil all over me. I was embraced. I was prayed for. I was cared for. I was SEEN!
Two days of further breaking! God was relentless for me and I for Him! James 4:8a “Come close to God and He will come close to you!” CJB Translation Like just as I am typing this there is a song that “randomly” came on “Keep my heart tender” by Beau Maddox and he is singing have it all – something of an Alabaster Jar! God GOD GOD!!!
Driving back that first night from that conference I was wailing. To the point my voice was so hoarse. Gut-wrenching travailing for my life. For the whole hour driving back home in the dark. I prayed mentally that I would make it home safe. I should have just pulled over honestly but it was dark and I was in no mans land. I think for me the piece was that I feel literally PLANTED in the place of the unknown. So many unknowns.
The wailing – was actually travailing. It is the place where you howl out to God. No words. Just deep anguish. So so deep. As it comes out its pain released. Its agony expressed. It’s the breaking unfolding. Its all the things we never want to experience or visit. And truth be told this wasn’t the first of it. The pockets have been constant and acute. Wherever I have been – I’d crash & burn! I would collide right into my fate of deep deep sorrow. How painful this was and is.
How painful. Again – BUT GOD.
I come out of these highs and right into lows. BUT GOD.
I feel like those women that used to share their war stories like that would never be me! HA!!
Oh yeah baby! That’s me tenfold! All amped up. The name calling. The betrayal. The avoidance. The neglect. The abandonment. The 360. The humiliation. The embarrassment. The despair. I could go on for days. The straw that broke the camels frikkan back!
What is this????
This has surely been rough but right now – I’m breathing. Just like that opening says. He found me and He rescued me. He is allowing me to breathe again despite how painful it is to process my process.
I haven’t been able to come up for air without something else happening.
“He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps.” Psalm 40:2 NKJV
You know back some time round June – a song came up in my history AI search similarities of worship songs… and I kept hearing “I could sing of Your love forever.” It actually is by The Finding… which begins with the song “Jesus Lover of My Soul”. It is a 20 minute worship song that literally arrested me at the first play! I had it on repeat and it was a catalyst for me to bring me back to the feet of God in more sincere heartfelt prayers. I would replay, weep, replay weep.. pray thank God… all the things.
At the conference in Gainesville in the church bookstore there was a sweater shirt that said repeatedly, “Jesus Lover of My Soul”
Guess who picked that one up!! Yep! Yours truly! Again – these little “chef kiss” moments God has been giving me are so beautiful. So worth it. I will never leave my God. My roots are too deep and embedded in my soul.
“Even a tree has more hope! If it is cut down, it will sprout again and grow new branches. Though its roots have grown old in the earth and its stump decays, at the scent of water it will bud and sprout again like a new seedling.” Jeremiah 14:7-9 NLT
If it is cut down – it WILL sprout again.
It will.
Because the roots are deep and God made a point to come find me.
I keep asking how I can do this because there is a different use case for every person. In my case, it’s deception. It’s disregard. It’s disrespect.
I cannot expect everyone to understand that entirely because they lean toward being the Job advice in every way. Haven’t walked through it AT ALL, but have so much to say on the matter.
What about listening?
What about processing?
I am so angry right now. I am so filled with frustration and wrath as I sit here in such GUT-WRENCHING agony.
Which means — causing deep emotional pain, extreme anxiety, or intense distress.
That is where I have been sitting spectacularly.
Then I get myself all geared up and somewhat composed, only to fall apart so epically and immediately in the face of actual circumstance.
I spiral.
And I spiral fast.
I lose control. I lose faith. I lose hope. I lose composure. I just lose it altogether and can’t keep myself in check for a thing.
I keep screaming at myself, SHUT UP!!
But then the dam breaks, and it’s mayhem right in front of me.
I am angry. I am hurt. I am afflicted. I am torn. I am shattered.
I am all of those things.
And I have every right to express that this is where I am because this is my situation.
People advise you based on their exposure to a common situation, but it’s not precise.
NOT AT ALL.
What I am feeling is completely valid for my quandary. They haven’t been here like this.
What happened to just listening?
What happened to being super cognizant and treading carefully when someone is walking through an unknown crisis?
I am mad.
LIVID, even.
And I am sitting here, leaning in, trying to process all of this in the way that I must.
“He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness. He brings light to the deepest gloom.” Job 12:22
She asked me, “How long?”
I wish I could answer that here, but I have no insight into that.
So I replied just as Psalm 13 says.
Funny how 31 and 13 have been such staples in this season.
“How long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart EVERY DAY? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
TURN and answer me, O Lord my God! RESTORE the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.
But I TRUST in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me.”
I kept repeating to myself like a mantra – I TRUST YOU I TRUST YOU I TRUST YOU But then — reality throat punched me. I immediately and entirely embraced the spectacular spiraling.
Woe is me! I hate myself for it.
I have this song on repeat — by Mercy Culture Worship… “What seems big to me is EASY for You You fight the battle while I stand You take the battle in Your Hands It’s EASY FOR YOU!!”
I can’t keep spiraling like that. I need to TRUST HIM. EVERY AGONIZING STEP OF THE WAY…
He has got this. He is in control, not me when I am losing all control.
He kept me sustained when I needed it the most. Delivery complete. I made it.
I was resilient in the face of the most calamitous experience I have had to face. I was grateful. Grateful for the 1 am, 2 am, 3 am 4 am wake up calls.
Because for the rest –when I needed it the most, weren’t there. When I needed the acknowledgment of my turmoil, weren’t there. When I needed the apology, weren’t there. When I needed the affirmation, weren’t there. When I needed the guidance, weren’t there. When I needed the patience, weren’t there. When I just needed the embrace, weren’t there. So I lost it.
I lost it again because my reality is so real its beyond painful.
It may have been an epic fail on my behalf. The only debacle. The spectacular spiraling unfolding. But what I know is.. When I spiraled, YOU were there.
“even there Your hand will guide me and Your strength will support me.” Psalm 139:10
1 In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. 2 Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. 3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. 4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. 5 Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.
6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord. 7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. 8 You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.
9 Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. 10 My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction,[b] and my bones grow weak. 11 Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors and an object of dread to my closest friends— those who see me on the street flee from me. 12 I am forgotten as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery. 13 For I hear many whispering, “Terror on every side!” They conspire against me and plot to take my life.
14 But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” 15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. 16 Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. 17 Let me not be put to shame, Lord, for I have cried out to you; but let the wicked be put to shame and be silent in the realm of the dead. 18 Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous.
19 How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you. 20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them from all human intrigues; you keep them safe in your dwelling from accusing tongues.
21 Praise be to the Lord, for he showed me the wonders of his love when I was in a city under siege. 22 In my alarm I said, “I am cut off from your sight!” Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.
23 Love the Lord, all his faithful people! The Lord preserves those who are true to him, but the proud he pays back in full. 24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
