September 16, 2026

Spectacular Spiraling

By Christina

Yep — that’s me.

I keep asking how I can do this because there is a different use case for every person. In my case, it’s deception. It’s disregard. It’s disrespect.

I cannot expect everyone to understand that entirely because they lean toward being the Job advice in every way. Haven’t walked through it AT ALL, but have so much to say on the matter.

What about listening?

What about processing?

I am so angry right now. I am so filled with frustration and wrath as I sit here in such GUT-WRENCHING agony.

Which means — causing deep emotional pain, extreme anxiety, or intense distress.

That is where I have been sitting spectacularly.

Then I get myself all geared up and somewhat composed, only to fall apart so epically and immediately in the face of actual circumstance.

I spiral.

And I spiral fast.

I lose control. I lose faith. I lose hope. I lose composure. I just lose it altogether and can’t keep myself in check for a thing.

I keep screaming at myself, SHUT UP!!

But then the dam breaks, and it’s mayhem right in front of me.

I am angry.
I am hurt.
I am afflicted.
I am torn.
I am shattered.

I am all of those things.

And I have every right to express that this is where I am because this is my situation.

People advise you based on their exposure to a common situation, but it’s not precise.

NOT AT ALL.

What I am feeling is completely valid for my quandary. They haven’t been here like this.

What happened to just listening?

What happened to being super cognizant and treading carefully when someone is walking through an unknown crisis?

I am mad.

LIVID, even.

And I am sitting here, leaning in, trying to process all of this in the way that I must.

“He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness.
He brings light to the deepest gloom.”
Job 12:22

She asked me, “How long?”

I wish I could answer that here, but I have no insight into that.

So I replied just as Psalm 13 says.

Funny how 31 and 13 have been such staples in this season.

“How long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart EVERY DAY?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

TURN and answer me, O Lord my God!
RESTORE the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I TRUST in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me.”

I kept repeating to myself like a mantra – I TRUST YOU I TRUST YOU I TRUST YOU
But then — reality throat punched me. I immediately and entirely embraced the spectacular spiraling.

Woe is me! I hate myself for it.

I have this song on repeat — by Mercy Culture Worship…
“What seems big to me is EASY for You
You fight the battle while I stand
You take the battle in Your Hands
It’s EASY FOR YOU!!”

I can’t keep spiraling like that. I need to TRUST HIM.
EVERY AGONIZING STEP OF THE WAY…

He has got this. He is in control, not me when I am losing all control.

He kept me sustained when I needed it the most. Delivery complete. I made it.

I was resilient in the face of the most calamitous experience I have had to face. I was grateful. Grateful for the 1 am, 2 am, 3 am 4 am wake up calls.

Because for the rest –when I needed it the most, weren’t there. When I needed the acknowledgment of my turmoil, weren’t there. When I needed the apology, weren’t there. When I needed the affirmation, weren’t there. When I needed the guidance, weren’t there. When I needed the patience, weren’t there. When I just needed the embrace, weren’t there. So I lost it.

I lost it again because my reality is so real its beyond painful.

It may have been an epic fail on my behalf. The only debacle. The spectacular spiraling unfolding. But what I know is.. When I spiraled, YOU were there.

“even there Your hand will guide me and Your strength will support me.”
Psalm 139:10

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Inspiration

September 3, 2026

PSALM 31

By Christina

Psalm 31

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame;
    deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me,
    come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
    a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
    for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
    for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
    deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
    as for me, I trust in the Lord.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
    for you saw my affliction
    and knew the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
    but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9 Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
    my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
    my soul and body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
    and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,[b]
    and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies,
    I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
    those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten as though I were dead;
    I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear many whispering,
    “Terror on every side!”
They conspire against me
    and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, Lord;
    I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in your hands;
    deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
    from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
    save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, Lord,
    for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
    and be silent in the realm of the dead.
18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
    for with pride and contempt
    they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How abundant are the good things
    that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
    on those who take refuge in you.
20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
    from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
    from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the Lord,
    for he showed me the wonders of his love
    when I was in a city under siege.
22 In my alarm I said,
    “I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
    when I called to you for help.

23 Love the Lord, all his faithful people!
    The Lord preserves those who are true to him,
    but the proud he pays back in full.
24 Be strong and take heart,
    all you who hope in the Lord.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Inspiration

August 31, 2026

DARKEST VALLEY

By Christina

“Even though I walk through the DARKEST VALLEY
I will fear NO evil for You ARE with me;
Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.”

I haven’t slept in weeks. I am bone tired.
Exhausted. Spent.
My eyes are heavy, I have perpetual headaches, dizziness and I am feeling a bit delusional.

The worst part of it all is that this is only the beginning.

I stood through the night when sleep escaped me and I prayed.

I cried out to God and asked Him for help.

This is my darkest valley.

I don’t know how we took a turn into this valley but we did.

In my previous blog I wrote that I have never felt so alone.

Then this scripture came to me as I searched and searched.

Even though I walk through the DARKEST VALLEY… I will fear NO evil for YOU ARE WITH ME.

I am not alone.

My mind tells me I am alone.

I look around me and I am alone.

But I have to remind myself that I am NOT.

All this time, He has been with me and He has never left me.

The darkest valley looks different for folks.

Maybe its grief.. that loss of a loved one or loved ones.

Maybe its perpetual stress and disruption.

Maybe it’s the breakup of a relationship.

Maybe its deep seated betrayal.

Maybe it’s the loss of a job or career.

Whatever you DARKEST VALLEY is… You were never alone.

AT ALL.

I needed something – I said You gotta give me something.

And the something that He gave me I didn’t like.

I shook.

Because it was the truth I needed.

Rocking me to my core.

I been there.

Oh how the tables have turned.

Sir Walter Scott said, “Oh what a tangled web we weave”.

People aren’t going to understand the depth of my anguish. They aren’t going to know my pain.

They are not going to walk through this process with me. Gosh my mind hurts.

My soul absolutely and entirely gutted. Just WOW!

They are not going to know this darkest valley because they probably had their own version of theirs.

But this is mine.

This is an opportunity to really consider my options but look to the ONE who is with me.

Day and night.

Night and day.

He is there. Without fail.  And He is my constant.

Leaving is abandonment.  And I was left long ago.

Only to come to this conclusion that there was One who would never abandon me.

So I am not going to ask

I am not going to fight.

I am going to embrace.

I am going to wait like He told me and embrace where He is leading me which is right into HIS ARMS.

How peaceful that is going to be.

This time it is going to be the right way where it was always meant to be.

How am I even standing now and even functioning in this cataclysmic chaos.

I am so so so very tired. I need sleep. I need rest. I need a reprieve from this mess.

God’s got me… even in my darkest valley.

AMEN

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Inspiration

August 29, 2026

Now I Know

By Christina

“I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty.  
I have learned the SECRET of being content in any and every situation
whether well fed or hungry whether living in plenty or in want.”
Philippians 4:12 NIV

My eyes hurt.  Painfully so.
Days and weeks and months of anguish.
There are some things we just won’t ever be able to do.
Except now that’s surrender. 
Complete and utter surrender –wholly.
Moments to reflect and dig really deep. 
A dive into my soul.
For this song arrests me. 
And I am pulled into the depth of its lyrics.
It speaks to me.  Now I know.  

Jesus, Lover of My soul
Jesus, I will never let You go
You’ve taken me from the miry clay, 
You’ve set my feet upon the rock 
Now I know

I love You, I need You
Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go
My Savior, my closest Friend
I will worship You until the very end

I could sing of Your Love forever
I could sing of the Blood forever

This song plays on repeat as years of pent-up stress, frustration, sadness, neglect, mistakes and pain seep its way out.  It’s a spectacular ruin.  
Purging, purging, purging anguish.  Purging.
You can’t even explain this.  I can’t.
Cuz nothing I could say would ever matter.
I cant. 

Sorry wont work.  Actions wont work.  Even change.
I have never ever in my entire being at 51 felt this alone.
Deep seated abandonment.  
I can’t escape this.  I am slamming right into the walls of pain and sorrow. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.
All of which I can accept what I caused.
Was it only me.  No.  I know this.
I experienced this.

If it wasn’t being thrown for church then it was for a job.
I was never a priority.
The moment I decided to take matters in my own hands to make myself a priority
I became the villain. Cruella Deville.

But I can tell you this.  Getting slammed into the wall and punched in the gut is doing something far more powerful in me.
It’s making me recognize that there is One that is going to see me.
Every tear, every anguish, every pull and sorrow.
He is not going to leave me.  I vow like Job that no matter what—I am not going to leave Him either.

He is the Lover of my soul.
My botched, wounded, torn and broken soul.
He is my closest friend.
He will be with me and join me in my ugly and join me if I am ever pretty.
He will be with me when my world falls over and over and over again.
There He is – and He is not leaving me. 
I feel it.  I feel it so strong.
I wouldn’t trade this for the world. 

I will keep the anguish then.
Like Job said.  Shall we only accept good from God and not bad??
Message received.

No one is going to understand the way He knows my soul.
My wholeness comes from Him. 
And if I am in need now its because He wants me to be.
To only know a love like His that will never run dry.
Its not going to change.
Its not going to no longer be there.
What pain the life of this can be.
Those things change… in life.

For God, they wont ever ever change for me.
And that’s why I will run to Him and choose Him.
Thank You Lord for seeing me.  Reminding me. That it was always going to be You.
And that’s okay.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Inspiration