I don’t want to neglect this gift. This avenue God gave me to tap into. I am a woman of words. But when life strikes the words are more difficult to determine. It is hard to document.
Unutterable. How do you express all of that. Loved ones hurting as illness stings the backbone members. Everything hanging on a balance beam.
Then he goes… I am such a heavy sleeper. But not this Monday at 5:49 am. I just woke, saw the silent phone flashing only to hear my brother’s cracked voice.
“Just now. I got the call from the home.”
“I’m sorry Chris, I’m so sorry!”
Expected disbelief hits you at once. You can’t fall back asleep. Unuttered cries are buried deep within. Such tragic news to get so early in the morning. Lord You have a word… He hides me.
“One thing I have desired of the LORD, That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD, And to inquire in His temple. For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; In the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock.”
Psalms 27:4-5 NKJV
I already miss him tremendously. And I wait. Most of my tears occurred the final week I got to spend with him.
Bitter-Sweet moments. All worth the sudden trip to go. To endure the pressing pain of seeing a dying man that you love dearly and others dying inside as they partake of this. It’s not only happening to one. We all feel it. Death stings us all. There is no escape from that.
I collected as many pics as I could. Discarded the unbearable ones. Made me a collage of moments.
We are all grieving in our own way. Some with regret. Some with tears. Some with anger. Some with shame. But most out of love. Deep unconditionally and irrevocable love.
We love him. Always. Forever. That never changes when one is no longer present.
So shall it be. “Remember… Now it’s all about the living. We need to focus on that concept,” he told me.
I know Chris.
I know. 😪 With a tear-stained face.
At 40 I learned from a new me.
At 40 I had to rebuild my family.
At 40 I had to earn the trust of a church.
At 40 I had to die to self.
At 40 I lost a lot of things dear to me.
Now I know even more, standing by me in this path is the unseen God whispering uncompromising love as I express my unuttered cries.
“Nothing will shake a man–or at any rate a man like me–out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.”
I will miss you always.