Soon Pa… See You Soon

I am at the airport and finally heading home!
I am beginning to feel like myself again.
I can feel my natural thoughts coming back.
Ready to head back to my own thrown and responsibilities.
This was truly a DIE TO SELF week for me. I grew weak during the week. I did. I am not even going to lie about that.
It wasn’t easy. I never had to care for someone I love so dearly and see the violent acts of progressive cancer in full-blown operation.
This is a terminal situation, unfortunately.
Selah.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley.
I will fear NO evil, for YOU are with me;
Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4

I didn’t want to reach out to anyone.
And I didn’t want them to reach out to me.
It wasn’t easy. Even though I haven’t seen an episode but through captivating commercials, my life was like an Empire episode.
I don’t even know how it happened.

There were horrible days.
It kept getting worse.
I was mentally distraught and challenged in every way.
I wanted to go home but also BE HERE!
I knew I was here for a major reason.
And in my mind I would think I failed at that quite lovely.
Like what kind of a person am I?
There were moments we all turned into a monster!
Emotions were running super high.

This time even worse and I felt like complete crap!
I know I shouldn’t write that in a blog…. Not very inspiring I tell you but it is how I felt!
No control.
No barrier.
No boundary.
No stopping.
Until I ran away…
Not exactly how you solve problems!
I must be the worst example to the human race.
I was so upset inside, like I couldn’t do it anymore.
I was totally done! Just DONE!
This was so overwhelming for my family.

I’m so sorry for all of that.

I wish I was unshakable.
Unstoppable,
But then I realize that I’m HUMAN too.
And I make mistakes.
I am imperfect.
I am flawed.
I grow afraid, weary & more weak inside.
I fight, I can scream and I could have a fit too!
What makes me any different?
Or any kind of example here?
God give me strength…
Because it is not over.
There is more to face, and that I am sure.
Today, I’m just trying to make it through.
We all are. In the best way possible.

Thoughts and feelings are shared…all the uncomfortable ones too! When moments like this occur, there is no time to dance around words really! You just SPEAK, SHOUT, YELL & FIGHT EVEN AT TIMES!!
Words become spiteful, hurtful and very much painful.

I’m tired too… Running on little sleep but we took shifts.
Water, food, dressing, shopping, errands, cleaning, washing, serving, hugging and more pampering for a dying man. Through clenched teeth, agonizing grunts and piercing pain, he only wanted the same thing we all did…

PEACE! Comfort. Calmness… It did happen though. And I shed a “final” tear even though the darkest day hasn’t arrived yet.
We laughed. And a whole lot!!!! ❤
I NEED NO CLOSURE!
I love him! And I love my family too, even on the darker days. God will take us all through.

And so we prayed this prayer:
One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will keep me SAFE in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His sacred tent and set me high upon a ROCK!
Psalm 27:4-5

This was a week that I couldn’t take care of me… the community of people, or anyone at work.
All I was assigned to, was to take care of Dad!
I hope I did that right….

Love you pa.

Love you creatan.

Love you rose.

Love you God! Because You are my Rock!