It is not that I do not want to speak or share but realizing in the interests of many, sometimes I become so intimidated I fall in the place of silence. I then rather not speak so often. But isn’t that how most of us are? We continue to give life to a situation leaning toward negativity. It becomes toxic.
I am leaning towards whatever happened in the past, God used it to put an expiration date on it. A huge lesson learned, for even in our moments of weakness He intervenes and we all know why. Most importantly, where our place really needs to be.
Most of our thoughts need to be cancelled out immediately and not shared. The fact that I am walking through a process of ruminating becomes frustrating to ME more than anyone else. The one effected by this is ME more than anyone else. I need to be well, get well and stay well. I do apologize for ever upsetting others and even myself in moments of madness. I can acknowledge that it is not always our intentions but that it still tends to happen. However one may see it–in most cases feelings are always going to present. I wish that was not the case but in that aspect it is! This is exactly where we must push through in our prayer time and in our walk that God has for us.
I had to battle through a lot of thoughts. Less of this and less of that. It is not fair to fight this way. It is not fair to me. Most times I feel like less of a woman in those moments. Less wanted. Less influential. Less impactful. Always pushed aside by many–history repeating itself and finding myself alone most days. But that is my own personal battle. In this state, there are no words to appease any of that.
I know where I stand. I know what it is for me to have to move forward. It is a painful place. But one I must learn to endure. Rejection in anyway can certainly be protection. But it still FEELS like rejection. This is a very familiar place that sucks so bad. I remember moments where I would get so dressed up on the outside– I did everything to beautify myself. But inside I would be such a mess. Crying inside where no one can see or hear. These days then became the worst days of my life that press on my mind.
I THOUGHT I looked beautiful…felt that way for a moment. I thought this would help. I thought this would make me drown out what was really happening on the inside of me. But then the reality would hit. No matter how much work I had to put in to be beautiful, people still went on about their ways and I would still be in that position where I felt so unloved and unimportant. That is the largest dagger to my soul. I don’t want to be in that place again.
It sucks but you know what—I know that I am going to find peace in my own version of ugly, in my brokenness (AGAIN), in my pit, and in my own war that was superbly created for me. Rejection is always going to race around me. Now I got to learn how to push past all this and really….. REALLY be more mindful of that glaring truth. Many will abandon us but never God. Many will not love us but never God. Many will reject us but never God. He is only redirecting us! All these “RE’s” I am finding myself in. And I heard screaming in my soul RE-calibrating you… RE-setting you! I’m like, “Wow AGAIN LORD!” I have to seek Him in these moments of violent warfare. Here is the RE—it means preposition, in the matter to introduce again and again and again! Until we get it…the part that is continuous is that part that is necessary for us to become the EXPERT!!!!!!!!!! So now we have RE-demption! We have reconciliation. We have renewal, restoration and recovery!
He is recalibrating me! Resetting me.
I have to think now that I have been rebuilt for battle!
I will find rest somehow in the battles! And when it is time to rise up then I rise again! I can’t stay down. I can’t stay silent. I can’t stay the victim! I am the victor! I have overcome! These thorns are ways for God to increase and present His strength! That will be my place of peace. So when I pray in my madness–He will sit with me there too, until I rise again. He is recalibrating me. Again and again. I have to love His persistent effort over my life. I must be important to Him indeed!
They won’t rise, until I rise!
Villagers in Israel would not fight;
they held back until I, Deborah, arose,
until I arose, a mother in Israel.