“The mountains may move, and the hills may shake, but my kindness will never depart from you. My promise of peace will never change,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭54:10‬ ‭GW‬‬

My heart hurts

My head hurts

My body hurts

It’s a pain so great

Sadness seeps in and its overwhelming

As each passing moment

These pains grow greater

I know He was preparing me

And even preparing her

He quickened us to connect again

So that we can enjoy the last few days

Memories of laughter

Memories of frustration

Memories unanswered

Memories in His Name

I stood shaking

And then faced this unexpected yet expected truth

Does that make any sense

I’m completely in shock

I was sitting there for hours crying inside

With no tears running down my face

Some would come to the surface

And continue to trickle down

Others were internal and deep

I couldn’t wait to get to the parking lot

And drive off in the deep reality of my pain now sitting in

That’s when the floodgates opened

I cried and I cried and I cried

It was a hit in my gut, my heart my soul

It hits everything

It changes everything AGAIN

She’s gone now

How could this be

I just wanted her to live

I wanted her to laugh

I wanted her to have some fun again

To really try and live again

And she did

Then she didn’t

My heart is so sad

It’s heavy

Like an elephant sitting on my chest pressing in

There is such a heaviness settling in

It’s pressure on my chest

The weight of this

You know what I’m learning in life

You don’t always need a period

When there are so many questions

And exclamations and commas

If any of that is even necessary

Life goes on

Here and then there

So when we get there

We will understand all the things we never understood

And He can put the final dot and exclamations to our sentences and questions

What do we do when things move

What do we do when things never go the way we expected

I thought we were gonna grow old together

Like I can’t even control time

This is my reality now

I can’t email you again

I can’t send a text message or answer one back in return

I can’t share things with you

I can’t talk to you again

I can’t shop with you or watch you eat lemon ricotta pancakes or home fries again

When I go to Starbucks and order our favorite drink, I will remember the last one that I had with you

When the best holidays come around and I think we can have a cup of tea again WE CAN’T

And it makes me so sad because the list of things was huge

All I know is no matter what was going on –when you were around, it lit up my world

Things have changed again

Moved again

The absence, the void

God fill it all

For now more than ever I got to hang on this word and know that it is all in His Hands

“My promise of peace will never change,” says the LORD!

Even in that… I am going to say

I SURE MISS YOU TOO just like I should have said on that very last text

Damn!!!!

Published by Christina

Blessings to all that are viewing this. My name is Christina Cruz-Mendez. I am a Pastor at Mission United International Church in Yonkers, NY working along side my husband Juan A. Mendez Jr. Senior Pastor. We have been together for 27 years with 2 children that God has blessed us with. Makes us the family of four - "JusChrist4". I have been a Christian and active in ministry for about 19 years now. Through all the rocky and smooth roads in life I am eternally grateful that God has brought me this far in life to share with the world what He is doing in me, through me and for me. View all posts by Christina