“The mountains may move, and the hills may shake, but my kindness will never depart from you. My promise of peace will never change,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”
Isaiah 54:10 GW
My heart hurts
My head hurts
My body hurts
It’s a pain so great
Sadness seeps in and its overwhelming
As each passing moment
These pains grow greater
I know He was preparing me
And even preparing her
He quickened us to connect again
So that we can enjoy the last few days
Memories of laughter
Memories of frustration
Memories unanswered
Memories in His Name
I stood shaking
And then faced this unexpected yet expected truth
Does that make any sense
I’m completely in shock
I was sitting there for hours crying inside
With no tears running down my face
Some would come to the surface
And continue to trickle down
Others were internal and deep
I couldn’t wait to get to the parking lot
And drive off in the deep reality of my pain now sitting in
That’s when the floodgates opened
I cried and I cried and I cried
It was a hit in my gut, my heart my soul
It hits everything
It changes everything AGAIN
She’s gone now
How could this be
I just wanted her to live
I wanted her to laugh
I wanted her to have some fun again
To really try and live again
And she did
Then she didn’t
My heart is so sad
It’s heavy
Like an elephant sitting on my chest pressing in
There is such a heaviness settling in
It’s pressure on my chest
The weight of this
You know what I’m learning in life
You don’t always need a period
When there are so many questions
And exclamations and commas
If any of that is even necessary
Life goes on
Here and then there
So when we get there
We will understand all the things we never understood
And He can put the final dot and exclamations to our sentences and questions
What do we do when things move
What do we do when things never go the way we expected
I thought we were gonna grow old together
Like I can’t even control time
This is my reality now
I can’t email you again
I can’t send a text message or answer one back in return
I can’t share things with you
I can’t talk to you again
I can’t shop with you or watch you eat lemon ricotta pancakes or home fries again
When I go to Starbucks and order our favorite drink, I will remember the last one that I had with you
When the best holidays come around and I think we can have a cup of tea again WE CAN’T
And it makes me so sad because the list of things was huge
All I know is no matter what was going on –when you were around, it lit up my world
Things have changed again
Moved again
The absence, the void
God fill it all
For now more than ever I got to hang on this word and know that it is all in His Hands
“My promise of peace will never change,” says the LORD!
Even in that… I am going to say
I SURE MISS YOU TOO just like I should have said on that very last text
Damn!!!!
January 18th, 2019 at 5:58 am
So sorry for your loss…I am in tears…so, so sorry, praying for His peace…
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