Welcome

Life’s rough.

I’m just waiting.

Things on standby been the theme.

I stopped for a quck cup of tea, read a verse and reflected.

“Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a shelter for me, A strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings. Selah”
Psalms 61:1-4 NKJV

Isn’t it so lovely that we can pray anytime, anywhere.

That’s where I chose. Because the standby for me has kept me in such a restricted position. Many times I feel like I’m gonna break or that I’m just really not cut out for this. Life… then I think about so much stuff.

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, because God! You know what I needed, what I need and what I’m gonna need to make it through. It’s been filled with some sharp stuff but what can I say but that You know best.

You HAVE to keep me, You are what I got and who alone I can turn to. A shelter. A strong tower. A rock. A tabernacle. A place of real refuge especially when I have to let go. In order to go higher I have to let go of it all, because holding on is what keeps hurting the most. It’s exhausting.

Selah.

“Why would you ever complain,
O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,
“GOD has lost track of me.
He doesn’t care what happens to me”?
Don’t you know anything?
Haven’t you been listening?
GOD doesn’t come and go.
God lasts.
He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn’t get tired out,
doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon GOD get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don’t get tired,
they walk and don’t lag behind.”
Isaiah 40:27-31 MSG

Don’t you ever ask too…. “Why God, when God, where God, how God?!?!”

Because I gotta know this is just a temporary situation now.

All these things here are TEMPORARY but You last. You are forever. You are good. You are my portion. You are my strength. You are my deliverer. You are my defender. You are my advocate. You are my healer. You are my help. You are my hope. You are my peace.

You are taking me places. As I close my eyes, I begin to open up my heart. More and more. Transition… it’s never really simple. I am seeing that nonstop. It’s fast and slow all at one, and not many will understand that suddenly perspective. But I am beginning to understand.

It

Is

Only

For

A

Season

Christina…. do you get it now?

I think I get it. You will keep me throughout the transitioning. I wanna be ready.

Whenever I am feeling the weight of my current situation I have to remind myself that this is all a transition into my next season.  Winter can’t last forever.  The transition is happening.  Even though I may not be able to see things on the surface the way that I want to and at the pace that I want it, I know that God is doing something underneath it all.  He is working a strong foundation for me to have the best success in my future.  Those are the things that always take the most time to produce the richest and finest results.

This is a temporary situation that I am in right now. And although it may not “feel” so great, I know that He is working on my behalf for my future.  That is why, what I do now in my today is that much more critical to be in step and in alignment with those plans.

It makes the scripture that much more alive in my life because I get tired.  Like any human. I get tired of waiting and working the extra miles in until I do finally arrive.  My mentor spoke some words of life into me this morning only to remind me –it is just for a small season.  A temporary season.  You are almost at that place where the way has already been paved for you.  The depth that you are creating now is working behind these scenes so that when the curtain is opened it will be the most amazing that I have experienced.

“But those who wait upon GOD get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don’t get tired,
they walk and don’t lag behind.”

It has been costing me a lot to wait during this transition. But I cant get tired.  As hard as it has been for me, more that I can ever express. I know I am going to soar someday. ❤

~Christina

“The Lord Your God is in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17

“Yet I am always with you;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel
And afterward You will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is in the strength of my heart
And my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:23-26

These last few pieces have been so raw.  I’m on the fence about the apology here.  Tonight we were talking about defense mechanisms because we are dealing with an underlying issue of insecurity.

Here is where I wrote –UH YEAH! And I think everyone in my group could attest to that.

Defense Mechanisms (I Declare War by Levi Lusko):

1. Lashing Out –trying to make others feel small because we may feel small and misery loves company.  We wear an “I’m better than you” mask that we rarely remove.  We cannot rise by cutting others down.
2. I’m Fine –pretending that everything is okay and acting like you don’t care about what others think. The “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me” response –however this may only be a veneer to cover up sadness.

How I translate this –I harbor my feelings to the point that I will eventually blow up!  Which ends up leading to lashing out, the meltdown, breakdown or blow up.  Everything hits the fan! As I was driving home I began to yell and scream in my car.  Literally at the top of my lungs. Arsenal was flying out to what had appeared to be an angry dialogue with myself and God. This anger thing is literally exhausting. I am so so so tired. So frustrated. So stressed. So pressed.  It’s like everything hitting me at once as a “task item!” Do this, do that, read this, mark this, send this, get this, bring this, say this, fix this… and the list goes on! The pressure is unrelenting.

Like can I just take a NAP!! I’m tired!!!! I am looking forward to the return home EVERY day just so I can sleep, shut my eyes and cancel out the world! I am missing out and I feel like I am losing on every side. When I think I am making headway, I am not.  There goes that unbearable wall.

I don’t like this. I don’t like it one bit.  I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like how I think, I don’t like the turnarounds and I certainly don’t like the energy being viciously pulled from me as I release all this pent up frustration.

I started working out again…got myself on that treadmill and started “running” away! I need a release. I need a break.  I need a big pause. I need me some rest. I need my word. I need prayer. I need my books. I need my coffee or tea. I need my blanket. I need my pillow. I need my recliner. I need my puppy. I need my outlet. I need the things that bring me to that calming state of SELAH!

GOD I NEED YOU!

AND I AM SORRY THAT I AM LASHING OUT AT YOU!!! You don’t deserve that from me at all. But I had no one to turn to in that moment with my rage again…so I just brought it to You and brought it out again to me. I can’t do this no more. I opened up that Word! I prayed. I cried. I read. I wrote. Until I found the calm that I needed in the place where I know I can turn to every time.

So I am sorry for all the rage in me. As I asked You to pull this from my life. For everywhere I turn I can gain a foe! But I have to keep reminding myself that You are using this so that I can grow. I don’t want to keep carrying this anymore. This is such a tough season for me.  A cold, long, bitter and tiring WINTER! I have no leaves on this tree. They have all fallen from the bitter cold. The winter storms that have beaten me down. And the snow is on the branches and it’s weighing me down too. I just can’t wait for spring. I am waiting for the bud! I gotta hang on and I gotta hang tight. We’ll get past it!

Forgive me… because I am not really okay.  But I know I want to be.

I really want to be OKAY! Then I found that Word…. “He will quiet you with His love!” ❤