Only Him

There is a space that really only goes for Him. No one else can see it or nothing else can fill it. I spoke with a counselor friend and shared some journal entry I wrote in comparison to what I have written for the world to see on this blog site. He said to me those are deep words. I said, “Well this is how I feel some days. This is me.”

I think perhaps I am not sharing all. Does that mean what I do share is not entirely truthful. It is. There are just some pages left in my journal that will only belong to God. That is the intimate piece. I share a lot of things…truth, experience, values, perspective and words that have inspired my life. But there are some pages that will always be hidden and only visible to the One who created me.

In all that has passed, I think I will never come to know a scripture such as this. That even as I type it the tears sting my eyes because of the truth in each word. It is found in Psalm 147 ….He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I never came to experience what broken was like. This means to be burdened with great sorrow, grief, or disappointment. It is being crushed down until you feel like you have nothing else left to give. To be broken is such a painful experience. But what I have learned is that it does not kill you. Your still alive…to feel every piece of sorrow…grief…disappointment. That hurts…and when it is something that you valued the most then it is the most painful experience ever.

When I first came to the Lord, I knew I was in need of a Saviour. I knew I needed, healing, restoration…salvation! I knew I was not living my life in a correct manner. I cried the day I received him into my heart.  I was about 22 years old at the time. But it wasn’t until many years later that I would come to the place of utter brokenness. I thought I was built up…strong…ready to go and ready for war on any day. But surely, I was mistaken. I became the one that was brokenhearted. Everyone felt that. They saw that. It changed me completely. I really died inside.

Today I reflect on this scripture in Psalm 147 as I complete a book called “What Your Heart Needs For the Hard Days” by Holley Gerth and she speaks of how far we have come. This is true. I have moved far along the way over the last several months. There has been an internal progress. I feel strong. I feel better. I feel alive again even when I am alone and I love it. I found a new place with myself and with God. A place that I can be comfortable with. A place where I can be myself and still leave room for growth.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have days where I hurt but it is different now.

As painful as my process is, I never thought I would get to a better place. Where His words have become so real to me. “The Lord builds [construct by assembling] up Jerusalem; He gathers [collect in one place] together the outcasts [person who is rejected] of Israel. He heals [to make healthy, whole, or sound; restore to health; free from ailment] the brokenhearted and binds [secures] up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them by name.” Psalm 147:2-4. This is ongoing for me. He is ever-present and continually working in my life. I know it. I see it. I feel it.

God is building me.
God is gathering me.
God is healing me.
God is binding me up.

One of the reasons I started this blog page was so that I can be built up by sharing. By doing something for myself that brings me peace. That is when I write. That is when I share through the pages of a journal..drag along pencil and transferred to a keyboard. A world wide platform. But even then on that platform is what I can share without exposing a place that only belongs to God.