There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens;
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV
I received a text message the other day —
“Write. When your mind is cluttered, write about it.
Many of us need it!”
I guess this is a big time of silence for me. I think because I am honestly still so angry and I am trying to get past all that. It is that so much is encompassed in the anger. Frustration, regret, upset, sickness, loss, contention, division, disappointment…. yeah the list goes on! And I’m angry about it.
I try to be as silent as I can and sometimes it breathes out.
I think I am still so upset about the things that are so way out of my control.
The sudden loss is still aching in my soul. I could only lie there in the dark and wanna scream so loud but no sound is coming out. But the tears are rolling down my face. Tears of rage. Tears of frustration. Tears of loss. Tears of disappointment. Tears! Tears! And more tears! I think I am even crying on the inside.
So many things I just cant control… the uncharted waters of life. You never know what’s really going to happen. Sadness wants to sweep over just like that river. And it’s cold. A whole body of water and it feels empty. Bitter. Freezing! Just a whole set of winter coming on so strong. What a season and what a way to start the year when you thought it would be at its best.
Those uncharted waters and great unexpected just come banging down that door. Flooding in–uncontrollable! It rips at your soul. What could I do but know there is a time for everything. In life –things happen! Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, great, crazy –uncharted! That huge place of the unknown. Not knowing how long this winter is really going to last, not even the groundhog could pick that up! SMDH!
I heard a small preaching from Upper Room –YouTube. Not sure who the preacher was but oh when he spoke he really hit home with so much of what I was feeling and he read this scripture from Ecclesiastes! He said this –“Change is inevitable, but progress is optional!” The heart is in a raw place a lot because of transition now. When you take the measureables and see the fruit of the Lords doing. Relational transitioning one way or another, sometimes we grieve the transition. Especially that sudden loss! He continued to say… “How has our heart progressed? This is where the Lord meets us in a profound way. He is there intimately and deeply. Let Him shepherd you and meet you in places where people can’t! He see’s you and knows where you are and speaks words to you where you are in your reality.”
This is my reality. An unexpected shift and turn these past few weeks! What a head spin so much so that it made my body so ill! All I could do was lay there and try to get some internal rest, if that even makes sense. It’s so obvious that my whole body demanded it after being so worn out mentally, physically and emotionally. That’s what happens in the unknown and unexpected places –it actually weighs you down big time!
I’m tired of the loss!
I’m tired of the disappointments!
I’m so tired of the things that I thought I had a hold on and then it ripped from my grip!
Only God can steer this ship now in the waters that I find myself swimming in these days. Only God. In this season of life, He is the Captain of this ship! He’s in control of the uncontrollable. And I must securely run to Him–if there is anything that I could know in the unknown, is that even there His love will find me. He is with me in these uncharted waters more than anything or anyone I could want to be there with me.
It’s a heavenly thing now. That is this season we are in. ❤ Keep steering God, keep steering!