NOT Okay!

“The Lord Your God is in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17

“Yet I am always with you;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel
And afterward You will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is in the strength of my heart
And my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:23-26

These last few pieces have been so raw.  I’m on the fence about the apology here.  Tonight we were talking about defense mechanisms because we are dealing with an underlying issue of insecurity.

Here is where I wrote –UH YEAH! And I think everyone in my group could attest to that.

Defense Mechanisms (I Declare War by Levi Lusko):

1. Lashing Out –trying to make others feel small because we may feel small and misery loves company.  We wear an “I’m better than you” mask that we rarely remove.  We cannot rise by cutting others down.
2. I’m Fine –pretending that everything is okay and acting like you don’t care about what others think. The “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me” response –however this may only be a veneer to cover up sadness.

How I translate this –I harbor my feelings to the point that I will eventually blow up!  Which ends up leading to lashing out, the meltdown, breakdown or blow up.  Everything hits the fan! As I was driving home I began to yell and scream in my car.  Literally at the top of my lungs. Arsenal was flying out to what had appeared to be an angry dialogue with myself and God. This anger thing is literally exhausting. I am so so so tired. So frustrated. So stressed. So pressed.  It’s like everything hitting me at once as a “task item!” Do this, do that, read this, mark this, send this, get this, bring this, say this, fix this… and the list goes on! The pressure is unrelenting.

Like can I just take a NAP!! I’m tired!!!! I am looking forward to the return home EVERY day just so I can sleep, shut my eyes and cancel out the world! I am missing out and I feel like I am losing on every side. When I think I am making headway, I am not.  There goes that unbearable wall.

I don’t like this. I don’t like it one bit.  I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like how I think, I don’t like the turnarounds and I certainly don’t like the energy being viciously pulled from me as I release all this pent up frustration.

I started working out again…got myself on that treadmill and started “running” away! I need a release. I need a break.  I need a big pause. I need me some rest. I need my word. I need prayer. I need my books. I need my coffee or tea. I need my blanket. I need my pillow. I need my recliner. I need my puppy. I need my outlet. I need the things that bring me to that calming state of SELAH!

GOD I NEED YOU!

AND I AM SORRY THAT I AM LASHING OUT AT YOU!!! You don’t deserve that from me at all. But I had no one to turn to in that moment with my rage again…so I just brought it to You and brought it out again to me. I can’t do this no more. I opened up that Word! I prayed. I cried. I read. I wrote. Until I found the calm that I needed in the place where I know I can turn to every time.

So I am sorry for all the rage in me. As I asked You to pull this from my life. For everywhere I turn I can gain a foe! But I have to keep reminding myself that You are using this so that I can grow. I don’t want to keep carrying this anymore. This is such a tough season for me.  A cold, long, bitter and tiring WINTER! I have no leaves on this tree. They have all fallen from the bitter cold. The winter storms that have beaten me down. And the snow is on the branches and it’s weighing me down too. I just can’t wait for spring. I am waiting for the bud! I gotta hang on and I gotta hang tight. We’ll get past it!

Forgive me… because I am not really okay.  But I know I want to be.

I really want to be OKAY! Then I found that Word…. “He will quiet you with His love!” ❤