Blessings to all… Just wanted to share a blog that was written by one of my spiritual daughters in the kingdom –Kristen Rabadi. May God continue to give you a grace to write words of encouragement! With Love, CCM

It is not that I do not want to speak or share but realizing in the interests of many, sometimes I become so intimidated I fall in the place of silence.  I then rather not speak so often. But isn’t that how most of us are? We continue to give life to a situation leaning toward negativity. It becomes toxic.

I am leaning towards whatever happened in the past, God used it to put an expiration date on it. A huge lesson learned, for even in our moments of weakness He intervenes and we all know why.  Most importantly, where our place really needs to be.

Most of our thoughts need to be cancelled out immediately and not shared.  The fact that I am walking through a process of ruminating becomes frustrating to ME more than anyone else.  The one effected by this is ME more than anyone else. I need to be well, get well and stay well. I do apologize for ever upsetting others and even myself in moments of madness. I can acknowledge that it is not always our intentions but that it still tends to happen. However one may see it–in most cases feelings are always going to present. I wish that was not the case but in that aspect it is! This is exactly where we must push through in our prayer time and in our walk that God has for us.

I had to battle through a lot of thoughts. Less of this and less of that. It is not fair to fight this way. It is not fair to me. Most times I feel like less of a woman in those moments. Less wanted. Less influential. Less impactful. Always pushed aside by many–history repeating itself and finding myself alone most days. But that is my own personal battle.  In this state, there are no words to appease any of that.

I know where I stand. I know what it is for me to have to move forward. It is a painful place. But one I must learn to endure.  Rejection in anyway can certainly be protection. But it still FEELS like rejection. This is a very familiar place that sucks so bad. I remember moments where I would get so dressed up on the outside– I did everything to beautify myself. But inside I would be such a mess. Crying inside where no one can see or hear. These days then became the worst days of my life that press on my mind.

I THOUGHT I looked beautiful…felt that way for a moment. I thought this would help.  I thought this would make me drown out what was really happening on the inside of me. But then the reality would hit. No matter how much work I had to put in to be beautiful, people still went on about their ways and I would still be in that position where I felt so unloved and unimportant. That is the largest dagger to my soul. I don’t want to be in that place again.

It sucks but you know what—I know that I am going to find peace in my own version of ugly, in my brokenness (AGAIN), in my pit, and in my own war that was superbly created for me. Rejection is always going to race around me.  Now I got to learn how to push past all this and really….. REALLY be more mindful of that glaring truth. Many will abandon us but never God.  Many will not love us but never God. Many will reject us but never God. He is only redirecting us! All these “RE’s” I am finding myself in. And I heard screaming in my soul RE-calibrating you… RE-setting you! I’m like, “Wow AGAIN LORD!” I have to seek Him in these moments of violent warfare.  Here is the RE—it means preposition, in the matter to introduce again and again and again! Until we get it…the part that is continuous is that part that is necessary for us to become the EXPERT!!!!!!!!!! So now we have RE-demption! We have reconciliation. We have renewal, restoration and recovery!

He is recalibrating me! Resetting me.

I have to think now that I have been rebuilt for battle!

I will find rest somehow in the battles! And when it is time to rise up then I rise again! I can’t stay down.  I can’t stay silent.  I can’t stay the victim! I am the victor! I have overcome! These thorns are ways for God to increase and present His strength! That will be my place of peace. So when I pray in my madness–He will sit with me there too, until I rise again. He is recalibrating me. Again and again. I have to love His persistent effort over my life. I must be important to Him indeed!

They won’t rise, until I rise!

Villagers in Israel would not fight;
they held back until I, Deborah, arose,
until I arose, a mother in Israel.
Judges 5:7

I know it has been such a while since I have written a thing. When I first began this website, the idea was to try to write daily. Over time that began to dwindle as I had to juggle more responsibilities in my life but that is no excuse for me.  Make no mistake, I know that God gave me this urgency to write.

As I went through journal after journal this weekend I thought this is so many books but also a pattern.  A pattern of pain, discomfort, upset, frustration, depression, disappointment, discouragement and the like.  Also there were uplifting words to help me push through. Such a back and forth sick cycle of a torn emotional realm. That is the soul. But the soul can grow!

To grow is to increase by natural development, as any living organism or part by assimilation of nutriment; increase in size or substance; to arise or issue as a natural development from an original happening, circumstance, or source.

We should go from glory to glory and in this will be some sort of suffering to teach us just that.

“The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.”
Romans 8:17-21

I know that in order for me to grow and experience the glory of God I have to go through many tough times. That is a part of life. I am not alone. It is not just me. I am not my own special case of issues. It simply happens to all. Especially to those that have a high calling in God. They will have to share in suffering. But with the things that He shall reveal to us as his children and for what is to come–we should rejoice.  Our focus must live on what is to come.

Hello World–
If you change your thoughts and you will change your world. If your soul can heal, so can your world.  It is time for us to go through our growing process.  Strive with God and be blessed in every area.  It is possible. May God allow you to experience a new wave of His glory and a new wave of peace through any pain you may be facing today.

With Love,

Christina

Sometimes we may not always be able to articulate what is going through a cluttered mind. You just don’t realize how fierce the battle is. It is so violent, so heavy and it floods you until you become completely overwhelmed.  You start to sink into the mire.

I thank God that there are so many heroes in the bible that had to have their own personal horror stories on BLAST FOR LIFE! Like–even past his death we are still speaking of the ups and downs of a KING named David.  A leader! A guide! A pioneer of faith.

How many times do we recall how flawed the great Apostle Peter was during his own training days beside the King of all kings.  Talk about having the best training ever and still mess up horribly.

Apostle Paul ran churches in every season yet is remembered for his violent temper before and after his days of Christianity.

They are flawed.

I’m flawed.

Like pretty bad.

I can find myself in a state of distress just like David was before becoming king. To top it all off God sent him 400 more stressed out men to complicate the matter– “NOW LEAD THAT WAY!”  I’m gonna start you up right here! Right in the cave of darkness.

Really???

Even in trying to saturate my mind with the Word of God–the flaws just become so obvious when you are next to the rest.  But maybe–just maybe–if we look upon all these written mishaps we will understand just how much they are flawed as you. We are all flawed.

So–God sent His flawless Son to cover all those flaws FOREVER!!!

Every time I want to get better at a thing it looks like I become worse at the thing!

I’m gonna be a better wife! A better mom! A better friend! A better pastor! A better workout routine…all these betters and it actually becomes worse.

LORD HELP! Just help! Because all of this can be so aggravating to the soul.

What do I do?

Just start again Chris…. start again. You got another opportunity to try it again.  No matter how far you think you have fallen, gone off course (mentally, physically or spiritually) just try it again.  The greater the loss–the greater the victory!

I think many times I don’t even know what to do with my complicated self.  I often get– “leaving you alone”. It is so scary. BUT GOD! Thank God that He never tells us–I am leaving you alone.  Even in the most silent times, His presence is there to carry us right through the storms of life.  Through the storms of our mind. Through any warfare.  He will never leave us or forsake us.

So I apologize for being overly complicated. It’s not anyone’s job to fix that. It is my job to recognize that in His Presence I will find the fullness of JOY.  I will come up for air and be able to breathe again after my energy is spent laboring away in a bed of anguish.

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while,
so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”
Alex Tan

Find comfort in His Word, when you go through times like this. He says he will cover you in the wilderness.  He will clothe you in the valley. So when I find even my own mind a wilderness and a valley  –He is going to cover me and bring me to a place where I will rejoice on every side of the madness that is within.

You crown the year with Your goodness,
And Your paths drip with abundance.
They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,
And the little hills rejoice on every side.
The pastures are clothed with flocks;
The valleys also are covered with grain;
They shout for joy, they also sing.
Psalm 65:11-13