Now I Know

“I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty.  
I have learned the SECRET of being content in any and every situation
whether well fed or hungry whether living in plenty or in want.”
Philippians 4:12 NIV

My eyes hurt.  Painfully so.
Days and weeks and months of anguish.
There are some things we just won’t ever be able to do.
Except now that’s surrender. 
Complete and utter surrender –wholly.
Moments to reflect and dig really deep. 
A dive into my soul.
For this song arrests me. 
And I am pulled into the depth of its lyrics.
It speaks to me.  Now I know.  

Jesus, Lover of My soul
Jesus, I will never let You go
You’ve taken me from the miry clay, 
You’ve set my feet upon the rock 
Now I know

I love You, I need You
Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go
My Savior, my closest Friend
I will worship You until the very end

I could sing of Your Love forever
I could sing of the Blood forever

This song plays on repeat as years of pent-up stress, frustration, sadness, neglect, mistakes and pain seep its way out.  It’s a spectacular ruin.  
Purging, purging, purging anguish.  Purging.
You can’t even explain this.  I can’t.
Cuz nothing I could say would ever matter.
I cant. 

Sorry wont work.  Actions wont work.  Even change.
I have never ever in my entire being at 51 felt this alone.
Deep seated abandonment.  
I can’t escape this.  I am slamming right into the walls of pain and sorrow. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.
All of which I can accept what I caused.
Was it only me.  No.  I know this.
I experienced this.

If it wasn’t being thrown for church then it was for a job.
I was never a priority.
The moment I decided to take matters in my own hands to make myself a priority
I became the villain. Cruella Deville.

But I can tell you this.  Getting slammed into the wall and punched in the gut is doing something far more powerful in me.
It’s making me recognize that there is One that is going to see me.
Every tear, every anguish, every pull and sorrow.
He is not going to leave me.  I vow like Job that no matter what—I am not going to leave Him either.

He is the Lover of my soul.
My botched, wounded, torn and broken soul.
He is my closest friend.
He will be with me and join me in my ugly and join me if I am ever pretty.
He will be with me when my world falls over and over and over again.
There He is – and He is not leaving me. 
I feel it.  I feel it so strong.
I wouldn’t trade this for the world. 

I will keep the anguish then.
Like Job said.  Shall we only accept good from God and not bad??
Message received.

No one is going to understand the way He knows my soul.
My wholeness comes from Him. 
And if I am in need now its because He wants me to be.
To only know a love like His that will never run dry.
Its not going to change.
Its not going to no longer be there.
What pain the life of this can be.
Those things change… in life.

For God, they wont ever ever change for me.
And that’s why I will run to Him and choose Him.
Thank You Lord for seeing me.  Reminding me. That it was always going to be You.
And that’s okay.