There are moments in life when you have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE—no idea—where you are headed.

You don’t know what comes next.

You’re flying blind, searching for the way.

But these Scriptures just keep coming to me, and I have to believe there is going to be a way that leads to the best outcome for me. I have to believe that God is not going to leave me in a permanent state of misery or turmoil, because He loves me entirely.

Last night was a tough one.

I have these moments when everything seems to mellow out and I feel super happy—like I can conquer the world. And then, almost immediately, I end up falling flat on my face.

This is the constant ebb and flow of my walk these days.

“God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-PRESENT help in trouble.”
— Psalm 46:1

My soul was troubled indeed.

Oh, so troubled.

Because even in the midst of those words, I felt pain.

Pain like never before.

It just keeps surfacing spectacularly, becoming this huge barrier between where I am and what I think is finally the light.

I looked up and just wept.

I wept so deeply. So loudly. So raw.

Just gut-wrenching.

And then:

“Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS.
DO NOT BE AFRAID or DISCOURAGED.
For the Lord your God will be WITH YOU
WHEREVER YOU GO!”
— Joshua 1:9

But God…

I have no idea where the “wherever” is.

And I’m afraid.

I try to remind myself:

I’m not going to feel like I wasted my life.
I’m not going to feel abandoned.
I AM LOVED. SO VERY LOVED.
I’m not going to feel alone.
I’m not going to carry this anger forever.
I’m not going to stay mad.
I’m going to trust You.

But the truth is—

Right now, I am all those things and more.

I am afraid.

Can I just say that?

Can I acknowledge that I trust God and I’m still afraid?

God is our refuge IN TROUBLE. And trouble has a way of awakening fear.

Maybe fear CAN be present and GOD CAN be present at the very same time.

After everything that has shifted in my life, being afraid of what comes next makes sense. Stepping away from what is familiar—even when what is familiar is painful—is terrifying.

Sometimes even peace itself feels unfamiliar after living in utter turmoil for so long.

But I don’t have to figure out my entire future tonight.

I don’t have to know what happens next.

I just have to hold on to what is WRITTEN right in front of me:

“God IS our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.”
— Psalm 46:1

God, I know I’m afraid.

I don’t know what comes next, and I don’t need to pretend that I do.

Be my refuge tonight—and every day forward.

Be my strength when I find absolutely none within myself.

QUIET my mind.

Remind me that wherever this road leads, YOU ARE ALREADY THERE.

Help me trust You one day at a time.

My gentle reminder:

Being afraid does not mean I made the wrong move.

Sometimes courage looks exactly like this:

I was afraid—and I still took the steps toward peace.

I took the steps necessary to surround myself IN God and with the things of God.

I took the steps necessary to ensure that I would be enveloped by positive, godly living.

God, You’re my anchor.

When I felt myself sinking—looking at the waves just as Peter did—I cried out:

“LORD, SAVE ME!”

You’re my anchor.

And You allowed me to be in a place where I can experience just that.

Anchors in the middle of uncharted territory.

Maybe I don’t need a map for everything that comes next.

Maybe I just need an Anchor.

And so my next go-to Scripture is this:

“TRUST in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek His WILL in all you do,
and He WILL show you which path to take.”
— Proverbs 3:5–6 NLT

I don’t know the path yet.

I don’t know where the “wherever” is.

I don’t know what is waiting for me on the other side of all of this.

But I know WHO is already there.

So here I am, God.

Afraid.
Uncertain.
Still healing.
Still trusting.

Standing in UNCHARTED territory…

with this ANCHOR.

PSALM 18:19
“He brought me out to a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

ChatGPT says “That’s Psalm 18:19 (NIV), and “spacious place” has a much deeper meaning there than simply a large physical space.

David is describing God bringing him out of distress, confinement, danger, and pressure into a place of freedom, safety, and relief.

“He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.”
— Psalm 18:19

The imagery is powerful: I was trapped, pressed in, surrounded—and God brought me somewhere I could breathe again.

And the second half is especially tender: “because He delighted in me.” David isn’t only saying, God got me out. He’s saying, God wanted me. God cared about what was happening to me. I mattered to Him.

So spiritually, a “spacious place” can represent freedom after confinement, peace after turmoil, safety after danger, and room to breathe after a season that has felt suffocating.

WOW!

This week I had a high and an immediate low.  I was able to accomplish something that I haven’t been able to do in eons! I fasted and prayed straight 3 days no food, no drink. 

Just water.

By the 4^th day coming out of the fast I began to experience strong lower abdominal pains.  It started out subtle but then it continued to radiate all the way to my back and became more intense.  The night came and I couldn’t sleep that’s how painful it was.  By day 2 everyone was telling me to go to the DRs immediately! I woke again in dire pain and took myself to the ER that was just about 10 minutes away.

Now naturally I was thinking the worst! Who wouldn’t? Unless everyone of course are these huge faith giants.  I was calm but then my mind wasn’t.  It started to run rampant with all these negative thoughts just sacking my mind.  At one point I was even crying as uncontrollable tears just began to run down my face with all the unknowns. 

I was taken care of IMMEDIATELY.  I barely had to wait.  I had time to do my morning devotional even.  Kudos! I can’t miss this.  It’s my forever start to my day since June and even more so in this past couple months. 

I had bloodwork, scans and an IV put in – again all very quickly.  But the WAIT for the results was not that quick.  That part took hours.  While I was waiting again with my mind running rampant I dozed off and slept in peace for a good 30/40 minutes in that room laying on that hospital bed.  The pain would come and go still.  Then the 2 residents came in to give me the results.  Bloodwork came back good and so did the scan.  I had what you call enteritis and colitis.  In layman’s terms this was inflammation of both my small and large intestines.  He said “your body is trying to get rid of something”.  Like I caught a bacteria, infection or food poisoning of some sort. 

I was fasting though.  I did remember that the weekend I had a truck food pizza that was undercooked. I took a few bites then tossed it.  I gotta say –I don’t know what prompted me to do that fast to start Sunday but I did as my hunger wasn’t as potent as it usually is.  Which is a good thing because my body naturally needed to detox as well as my spirit for strengthening.

The thing is this.  How was I even able to REST in that 30/40 minutes while waiting for some serious results.  This was dangerous!  I know how – God kept me in PERFECT PEACE because even with all these thoughts in my mind Jesus is still reigning OVER that.  The fact that I kept filling myself and filling myself and filling myself.  I slept in PERFECT PEACE.  Thank you Jesus.  Because the nights for months have been oh so sleepless.

I been reflecting all week.  All month.  Gosh for MONTHS! But more so now WITH the Lord.  With being filled with the spirit day by day; night by night.  I keep saying, “Jesus lover of my soul – God You found me!”  He sought me out.  He really came gunning for me and it’s just the best thing that I could have experienced.

I have such an intense job.  There was a week coming that I had to do a huge presentation of all my clients before senior leadership.  Mentally I was utterly WRECKED in every way.  I couldn’t even process how I would gather this all and deliver!  BUT GOD.  I did it Tuesday and received amazing feedback all throughout and claps upon completion.  I was concise, filled with insight, knowledge and strategic output with planning for what’s to come.  I even made them laugh – go figure!

Literally in my WORST era of my life LOL.   It was the “BBOD” for me.  Bring back our desks!

Anyway – as I was walking out a gentleman from my job that I have worked with for 5 years ran out to approach me to confirm that I was “religious and still went to church”. 

I said, “of course!”  He then mentioned Free Chapel and my mind already went to Jentzen Franklin.  But I had to hear it.  I asked “Who’s the pastor of that church?” Which he did confirm was him.  He shared he had ONE EXTRA ticket if I wanted it for the upcoming weekend which was a Women’s Conference.  Lil ole me!

Could you believe that!!!

I said “Heck yeah!!!! ABSOLUTELY!” 

He told me that he would confirm if it was still available and text me.  By next morning it was confirmed.  In like Flynn!!! I had a seat!!

You have no idea just how timely this was where it says “Who am I that you are so mindful of me” Psalm 8:4. Well He has been so mindful of me and I couldn’t be more grateful.  So so so grateful.  They even had lunch for me ordered! It was like God preparing a special weekend for me – just to take care of me! I had been desperate for this and been pondering on finding a way to go to one of these events for weeks!

You know how long it’s been since I been to a church, got prayed for – laying of hands on my body with no holding back.  Gosh I wept!  Gut-wrenching tears! Clutched fists hitting the ground. A towel instead of tissue for the snot cries!  I know this is nasty but this was me –completely and utterly bare before all to see there.  God WRECKED ME lovely!!! He took my ugly and just poured oil all over me. I was embraced. I was prayed for.  I was cared for.  I was SEEN! 

Two days of further breaking! God was relentless for me and I for Him!   James 4:8a “Come close to God and He will come close to you!” CJB Translation
Like just as I am typing this there is a song that “randomly” came on “Keep my heart tender” by Beau Maddox and he is singing have it all – something of an Alabaster Jar! God GOD GOD!!!

Driving back that first night from that conference I was wailing.  To the point my voice was so hoarse.  Gut-wrenching travailing for my life.  For the whole hour driving back home in the dark.  I prayed mentally that I would make it home safe.  I should have just pulled over honestly but it was dark and I was in no mans land.  I think for me the piece was that I feel literally PLANTED in the place of the unknown.  So many unknowns. 

The wailing – was actually travailing.  It is the place where you howl out to God.  No words.  Just deep anguish.  So so deep.  As it comes out its pain released.  Its agony expressed.  It’s the breaking unfolding.  Its all the things we never want to experience or visit. And truth be told this wasn’t the first of it.  The pockets have been constant and acute.  Wherever I have been – I’d crash & burn! I would collide right into my fate of deep deep sorrow.  How painful this was and is.

How painful.  Again – BUT GOD.

I come out of these highs and right into lows.  BUT GOD.

I feel like those women that used to share their war stories like that would never be me! HA!!

Oh yeah baby! That’s me tenfold! All amped up.  The name calling.  The betrayal.  The avoidance.  The neglect.  The abandonment. The 360. The humiliation. The embarrassment. The despair. I could go on for days. The straw that broke the camels frikkan back!

What is this????

This has surely been rough but right now – I’m breathing.  Just like that opening says.  He found me and He rescued me.  He is allowing me to breathe again despite how painful it is to process my process. 

I haven’t been able to come up for air without something else happening.

“He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps.”
Psalm 40:2 NKJV

You know back some time round June – a song came up in my history AI search similarities of worship songs… and I kept hearing “I could sing of Your love forever.” It actually is by The Finding… which begins with the song “Jesus Lover of My Soul”.  It is a 20 minute worship song that literally arrested me at the first play! I had it on repeat and it was a catalyst for me to bring me back to the feet of God in more sincere heartfelt prayers.  I would replay, weep, replay weep.. pray thank God… all the things.

At the conference in Gainesville in the church bookstore there was a sweater shirt that said repeatedly, “Jesus Lover of My Soul”

Guess who picked that one up!! Yep! Yours truly!  Again – these little “chef kiss” moments God has been giving me are so beautiful.  So worth it.  I will never leave my God.  My roots are too deep and embedded in my soul.

“Even a tree has more hope!
If it is cut down, it will sprout again
and grow new branches.
Though its roots have grown old in the earth
and its stump decays,
at the scent of water it will bud
and sprout again like a new seedling.”
Jeremiah 14:7-9 NLT

If it is cut down – it WILL sprout again.

It will.

Because the roots are deep and God made a point to come find me.

He rescued me.

And He always will.