Tag Archives: Healing

October 11, 2026

Calm Chaos

By Christina


Rooted in Him. Surrendered through it all.

Colossians 2:6–7

“So then, just as you received CHRIST Jesus as Lord, CONTINUE to live your lives in Him, ROOTED and BUILT UP in Him, strengthened in the FAITH as you were TAUGHT, and OVERFLOWING WITH THANKFULNESS.”

Every time I think I can’t go on, I remind myself of what I KNOW.

You see me, God.

You hear me.

You’re with me.

You’re watching over me.

And I KNOW I’m NOT alone.

I’m just hurt.

Wounded.

I’m in pain.

And I KNOW this is TEMPORARY.

But Lord, while I’m IN IT, it is so, so, SO painful.

I keep asking myself, What am I doing wrong?

But maybe I need to start asking a different question.

What am I doing RIGHT?

Because despite the pain…

Despite the agony…

Despite the sleepless nights…

Despite the chaos INSIDE me and the chaos AROUND me…

I’m STILL HERE.

Still reaching for You.

Still calling on Your name.

Still believing that somehow, someway, You are going to carry me through this.

But God, my chest HURTS with the weight of my troubles.

Please take this, Lord.

PLEASE take this away.

I’m so, so sad inside.

And I just want to BREATHE again.

I want to breathe without feeling the heaviness.

I want to wake up without the ache.

I want to experience peace that doesn’t disappear the moment my thoughts begin to spiral.

And through all of this, one thing has become painfully clear to me.

I am NEVER going to leave You again.

Not for a moment.

NOT FOR A MOMENT.

Because even one moment away from You feels too long.

It feels like forever.

Like an eternity of emptiness, despair, and sorrow.

So I’m going to WALK WITH YOU.

Even in my feelings.

Even in my confusion.

Even when I’m torn into what feels like a million pieces.

Even when I don’t understand entirely what You’re doing.

I’m going to walk with You.

Because where else could I possibly go?

Psalm 6

“Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger or discipline me in Your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
HEAL me, Lord, for my bones are in agony;
my soul is in DEEP ANGUISH.

How long, Lord, how long?
Turn, Lord, and DELIVER ME;
save me because of Your UNFAILING LOVE.

Among the dead no one proclaims Your name.
Who praises You from the grave?

I am WORN OUT from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with WEEPING and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes GROW WEAK with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.

Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord HAS HEARD my weeping.
The Lord HAS HEARD my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.”

HOW LONG, LORD? HOW LONG?

I feel every word of that Psalm.

The exhaustion.

The weeping.

The anguish.

The desperate plea for deliverance.

But what strikes me most is that somewhere in the middle of all that suffering, David makes a declaration.

THE LORD HAS HEARD MY WEEPING.

Not maybe He heard.

Not hopefully He heard.

HE HAS HEARD.

And that is what I have to hold on to.

Because even when I don’t hear an answer, I have to trust that my cries have reached heaven.

One thing I know right now is that it’s NOT time for the next destination.

And Lord, You caused what felt like an entire HURRICANE to shift things in every direction just to bring me to where I am today.

I didn’t see it coming.

I didn’t understand how it would happen.

But somehow, You made a way.

And now?

I’m just going to WAIT.

But God, I need You to speak to me.

In detail.

DAY BY DAY.

I need Your guidance because I don’t want to mess this up.

I don’t want to run ahead of You.

I don’t want to mistake my emotions for Your instructions.

I don’t want to make permanent decisions based on temporary pain.

I can ask for a lot of things.

I can say I want THIS.

And I want THAT.

I can tell You exactly how I want everything to turn out.

But the reality is that so many of those things are completely OUTSIDE OF MY HANDS.

And then this thought came to me…

What if I wanted those things more than I wanted YOU?

Oh, Lord.

That wouldn’t be right.

I have to want YOU more.

More than the answers.

More than the outcome.

More than the restoration.

More than the next destination.

More than anything I think will finally make this pain go away.

I GOTTA WANT YOU MORE.

Because this ain’t my fight.

This ain’t my war.

And right now, I have ONE JOB.

ONE JOB THAT I CANNOT AFFORD TO CONFUSE.

And that is to STAY CLOSE TO YOU, MY GOD.

Close.

Close.

CLOSE.

Surrendered.

FULLY SURRENDERED.

Not halfway.

Not with one hand holding on to You and the other desperately trying to control everything around me.

But completely surrendered.

I KNOW You’re going to show me.

I KNOW You’re going to tell me.

I KNOW You’re going to walk with me.

You’re going to do ALL THE THINGS.

I just have to LISTEN.

I have to PAY ATTENTION.

I have to stop trying to figure out every twist and turn before I even take the next step.

Because how can I keep wandering around aimlessly when I serve a GOD OF PURPOSE?

A God who orders steps.

A God who makes ways.

A God who sees what I cannot see.

A God who knows the end from the beginning.

And legit, as I’m sitting here typing these very words, the song “I Surrender” begins to play.

“I surrender, I surrender…”
“I want to know You more.”
“I want to know You more.”

And there it is.

The very thing my heart has been trying to say.

I WANT TO KNOW YOU MORE.

Not just know ABOUT You.

Not just call on You when life becomes unbearable.

But KNOW YOU.

Deeply.

Intimately.

Completely.

So, Lord, if You had to strip away everything I was holding on to just to bring me back to a place of complete dependence on You…

I’m beginning to see that clear as day.

Not because the pain was easy.

Not because I wanted any of this.

And certainly not because I have all the answers.

But because somewhere in the middle of losing my grip on everything else, I found myself holding on to YOU tighter than ever before.

And maybe that’s where I needed to be all along.

ROOTED.

BUILT UP.

STRENGTHENED IN FAITH.

And somehow, even here…

OVERFLOWING WITH THANKFULNESS.

Isaiah 64:4
“Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides You,
who acts on behalf of those who WAIT for Him.

Because in the middle of my GREATEST TURMOIL, I have experienced the GREATEST EMBRACE.

A hurt so fierce, yet somehow met with a healing so tender.

A sorrow so deep, yet a love that reaches even deeper.

A storm so loud, yet a God who can still whisper peace into the middle of it.

And perhaps that is the miracle I almost missed.

That even when everything around me feels uncertain, YOUR PRESENCE IS NOT.

God, You’re with me.

YOU ARE WITH ME.

And I don’t need to know every detail of tomorrow to trust You with today.

I don’t need to fight battles You’ve never asked me to fight.

I don’t need to chase answers that You haven’t revealed.

I don’t need to force doors that You haven’t opened.

I JUST NEED TO STAY CLOSE.

That’s my ONE JOB.

So here I am, Lord.

Still hurting.

Still healing.

Still learning how to surrender.

But HERE.

With You.

And for this moment, that is enough.

CALM THE CHAOS, LORD.

The chaos around me.

The chaos within me.

The thoughts that race.

The fears that linger.

The questions that remain unanswered.

Calm it ALL.

And while I wait for You to calm the storm around me, teach my soul to be STILL in Your presence.

Because I don’t just want You to change my circumstances.

I WANT YOU TO CHANGE ME IN THE MIDST OF THEM.

And until You tell me it’s time to move…

I’ll remain right here.

ROOTED IN YOU.

NOT FOR A MOMENT WILL I LET GO.

Amen.

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October 2, 2026

HALLMARK

By Christina

I didn’t realize how toxic my situation was.

I didn’t realize how much turmoil and despair were literally bathing me daily. No matter how much I tried to recover, I would find myself caked again in disappointment, agony, toxicity, constant turmoil and the like.

I couldn’t catch a break for months, no matter what I did.

I cried every single day—for weeks, for months, sometimes for hours at a time. It was nonstop. Gut-wrenching attacks.

And then I packed diligently and drove off.

Even as I was driving, I could feel the peace overtaking me. I knew I was bringing myself into a healthy place.

There are two kinds of “green pastures.”

There is the one you find while you’re still in the valley—where, despite the situation surrounding you, you are somehow able to withstand.

And then there is the one we long to experience with longevity: a place of PEACE AND REST.

Now I want to cry because of the gratitude.

I can’t believe I am here, in a place where I can find wholeness again.
Where I can find hope.

There are smiles everywhere. Laughter bouncing off the walls. Conversations I can take part in with people of all ages—and even the biggest, fluffiest dog. LOL.

It’s peaceful.

I have been slammed day and night with pain, conflict, troubles, chaos, and confusion. The moment I thought I was out of the miry clay, I found myself right back in it—and somehow even deeper.

But I know God’s got my back. He tells me in His Word:

“I can never escape from Your Spirit!
I can never get away from Your presence!
If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I go down to the grave, You are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
If I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there Your hand will guide me,
and Your strength will support me.”
Psalm 139:7–10 NLT

“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.
Each time He said, ‘My grace is ALL YOU NEED.
My power works best in weakness.’
So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses,
so that the power of Christ can work through me.”
2 Corinthians 12:8–9 NLT

I kept asking, and I didn’t get a reprieve.

Hours passed.
Days passed.
Weeks passed.
Months passed.

It would appear to be approaching the year mark, considering the trend. I cannot even fathom that.

The quiet was hard to obtain.
The smile was hard to keep.
The love I wanted so desperately to feel was fleeting.

And then I walked into reminders that I was someone who mattered.

Someone whose presence could make others feel grateful.

It’s not to say I was completely devoid of that before. What I am saying is that there was a huge gap—a breach between what I was experiencing and the plenitude of love, connection, peace, and belonging that we require.

Even my music has changed.

I’ve been listening to my “spunk” playlist more—the peppier Christian beats that make me want to move, smile, and feel alive again.

I can breathe again.

I needed to breathe again.

Whole boatloads of air after feeling like I had been suffocating and drowning for so long.

The Lord knew.

Otherwise, He wouldn’t have paved the way like this for me to be in this place—right now, right here. And so quickly. A place of healing and much needed rest.

Maybe this green pasture isn’t about forgetting the valley. Maybe it’s about finally being still long enough to realize just how exhausted I had become walking through it in everywhere I turned.

And perhaps this is my hallmark—not that I escaped every painful thing, but that somewhere along the way, God reminded me that pain does not get to have the final word.

There is still peace.
There is still laughter.
There is still love.
There is still hope.

And there is still me underneath everything I have endured.

Breathing again.
Smiling again.
Finding wholeness again.

I am grateful.

So very grateful.

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September 16, 2026

Spectacular Spiraling

By Christina

Yep — that’s me.

I keep asking how I can do this because there is a different use case for every person. In my case, it’s deception. It’s disregard. It’s disrespect.

I cannot expect everyone to understand that entirely because they lean toward being the Job advice in every way. Haven’t walked through it AT ALL, but have so much to say on the matter.

What about listening?

What about processing?

I am so angry right now. I am so filled with frustration and wrath as I sit here in such GUT-WRENCHING agony.

Which means — causing deep emotional pain, extreme anxiety, or intense distress.

That is where I have been sitting spectacularly.

Then I get myself all geared up and somewhat composed, only to fall apart so epically and immediately in the face of actual circumstance.

I spiral.

And I spiral fast.

I lose control. I lose faith. I lose hope. I lose composure. I just lose it altogether and can’t keep myself in check for a thing.

I keep screaming at myself, SHUT UP!!

But then the dam breaks, and it’s mayhem right in front of me.

I am angry.
I am hurt.
I am afflicted.
I am torn.
I am shattered.

I am all of those things.

And I have every right to express that this is where I am because this is my situation.

People advise you based on their exposure to a common situation, but it’s not precise.

NOT AT ALL.

What I am feeling is completely valid for my quandary. They haven’t been here like this.

What happened to just listening?

What happened to being super cognizant and treading carefully when someone is walking through an unknown crisis?

I am mad.

LIVID, even.

And I am sitting here, leaning in, trying to process all of this in the way that I must.

“He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness.
He brings light to the deepest gloom.”
Job 12:22

She asked me, “How long?”

I wish I could answer that here, but I have no insight into that.

So I replied just as Psalm 13 says.

Funny how 31 and 13 have been such staples in this season.

“How long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart EVERY DAY?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

TURN and answer me, O Lord my God!
RESTORE the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I TRUST in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me.”

I kept repeating to myself like a mantra – I TRUST YOU I TRUST YOU I TRUST YOU
But then — reality throat punched me. I immediately and entirely embraced the spectacular spiraling.

Woe is me! I hate myself for it.

I have this song on repeat — by Mercy Culture Worship…
“What seems big to me is EASY for You
You fight the battle while I stand
You take the battle in Your Hands
It’s EASY FOR YOU!!”

I can’t keep spiraling like that. I need to TRUST HIM.
EVERY AGONIZING STEP OF THE WAY…

He has got this. He is in control, not me when I am losing all control.

He kept me sustained when I needed it the most. Delivery complete. I made it.

I was resilient in the face of the most calamitous experience I have had to face. I was grateful. Grateful for the 1 am, 2 am, 3 am 4 am wake up calls.

Because for the rest –when I needed it the most, weren’t there. When I needed the acknowledgment of my turmoil, weren’t there. When I needed the apology, weren’t there. When I needed the affirmation, weren’t there. When I needed the guidance, weren’t there. When I needed the patience, weren’t there. When I just needed the embrace, weren’t there. So I lost it.

I lost it again because my reality is so real its beyond painful.

It may have been an epic fail on my behalf. The only debacle. The spectacular spiraling unfolding. But what I know is.. When I spiraled, YOU were there.

“even there Your hand will guide me and Your strength will support me.”
Psalm 139:10

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