Rooted in Him. Surrendered through it all.
Colossians 2:6–7
“So then, just as you received CHRIST Jesus as Lord, CONTINUE to live your lives in Him, ROOTED and BUILT UP in Him, strengthened in the FAITH as you were TAUGHT, and OVERFLOWING WITH THANKFULNESS.”
Every time I think I can’t go on, I remind myself of what I KNOW.
You see me, God.
You hear me.
You’re with me.
You’re watching over me.
And I KNOW I’m NOT alone.
I’m just hurt.
Wounded.
I’m in pain.
And I KNOW this is TEMPORARY.
But Lord, while I’m IN IT, it is so, so, SO painful.
I keep asking myself, What am I doing wrong?
But maybe I need to start asking a different question.
What am I doing RIGHT?
Because despite the pain…
Despite the agony…
Despite the sleepless nights…
Despite the chaos INSIDE me and the chaos AROUND me…
I’m STILL HERE.
Still reaching for You.
Still calling on Your name.
Still believing that somehow, someway, You are going to carry me through this.
But God, my chest HURTS with the weight of my troubles.
Please take this, Lord.
PLEASE take this away.
I’m so, so sad inside.
And I just want to BREATHE again.
I want to breathe without feeling the heaviness.
I want to wake up without the ache.
I want to experience peace that doesn’t disappear the moment my thoughts begin to spiral.
And through all of this, one thing has become painfully clear to me.
I am NEVER going to leave You again.
Not for a moment.
NOT FOR A MOMENT.
Because even one moment away from You feels too long.
It feels like forever.
Like an eternity of emptiness, despair, and sorrow.
So I’m going to WALK WITH YOU.
Even in my feelings.
Even in my confusion.
Even when I’m torn into what feels like a million pieces.
Even when I don’t understand entirely what You’re doing.
I’m going to walk with You.
Because where else could I possibly go?
Psalm 6
“Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger or discipline me in Your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
HEAL me, Lord, for my bones are in agony;
my soul is in DEEP ANGUISH.
How long, Lord, how long?
Turn, Lord, and DELIVER ME;
save me because of Your UNFAILING LOVE.
Among the dead no one proclaims Your name.
Who praises You from the grave?
I am WORN OUT from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with WEEPING and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes GROW WEAK with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord HAS HEARD my weeping.
The Lord HAS HEARD my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.”
HOW LONG, LORD? HOW LONG?
I feel every word of that Psalm.
The exhaustion.
The weeping.
The anguish.
The desperate plea for deliverance.
But what strikes me most is that somewhere in the middle of all that suffering, David makes a declaration.
THE LORD HAS HEARD MY WEEPING.
Not maybe He heard.
Not hopefully He heard.
HE HAS HEARD.
And that is what I have to hold on to.
Because even when I don’t hear an answer, I have to trust that my cries have reached heaven.
One thing I know right now is that it’s NOT time for the next destination.
And Lord, You caused what felt like an entire HURRICANE to shift things in every direction just to bring me to where I am today.
I didn’t see it coming.
I didn’t understand how it would happen.
But somehow, You made a way.
And now?
I’m just going to WAIT.
But God, I need You to speak to me.
In detail.
DAY BY DAY.
I need Your guidance because I don’t want to mess this up.
I don’t want to run ahead of You.
I don’t want to mistake my emotions for Your instructions.
I don’t want to make permanent decisions based on temporary pain.
I can ask for a lot of things.
I can say I want THIS.
And I want THAT.
I can tell You exactly how I want everything to turn out.
But the reality is that so many of those things are completely OUTSIDE OF MY HANDS.
And then this thought came to me…
What if I wanted those things more than I wanted YOU?
Oh, Lord.
That wouldn’t be right.
I have to want YOU more.
More than the answers.
More than the outcome.
More than the restoration.
More than the next destination.
More than anything I think will finally make this pain go away.
I GOTTA WANT YOU MORE.
Because this ain’t my fight.
This ain’t my war.
And right now, I have ONE JOB.
ONE JOB THAT I CANNOT AFFORD TO CONFUSE.
And that is to STAY CLOSE TO YOU, MY GOD.
Close.
Close.
CLOSE.
Surrendered.
FULLY SURRENDERED.
Not halfway.
Not with one hand holding on to You and the other desperately trying to control everything around me.
But completely surrendered.
I KNOW You’re going to show me.
I KNOW You’re going to tell me.
I KNOW You’re going to walk with me.
You’re going to do ALL THE THINGS.
I just have to LISTEN.
I have to PAY ATTENTION.
I have to stop trying to figure out every twist and turn before I even take the next step.
Because how can I keep wandering around aimlessly when I serve a GOD OF PURPOSE?
A God who orders steps.
A God who makes ways.
A God who sees what I cannot see.
A God who knows the end from the beginning.
And legit, as I’m sitting here typing these very words, the song “I Surrender” begins to play.
“I surrender, I surrender…”
“I want to know You more.”
“I want to know You more.”
And there it is.
The very thing my heart has been trying to say.
I WANT TO KNOW YOU MORE.
Not just know ABOUT You.
Not just call on You when life becomes unbearable.
But KNOW YOU.
Deeply.
Intimately.
Completely.
So, Lord, if You had to strip away everything I was holding on to just to bring me back to a place of complete dependence on You…
I’m beginning to see that clear as day.
Not because the pain was easy.
Not because I wanted any of this.
And certainly not because I have all the answers.
But because somewhere in the middle of losing my grip on everything else, I found myself holding on to YOU tighter than ever before.
And maybe that’s where I needed to be all along.
ROOTED.
BUILT UP.
STRENGTHENED IN FAITH.
And somehow, even here…
OVERFLOWING WITH THANKFULNESS.
Isaiah 64:4
“Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides You,
who acts on behalf of those who WAIT for Him.
Because in the middle of my GREATEST TURMOIL, I have experienced the GREATEST EMBRACE.
A hurt so fierce, yet somehow met with a healing so tender.
A sorrow so deep, yet a love that reaches even deeper.
A storm so loud, yet a God who can still whisper peace into the middle of it.
And perhaps that is the miracle I almost missed.
That even when everything around me feels uncertain, YOUR PRESENCE IS NOT.
God, You’re with me.
YOU ARE WITH ME.
And I don’t need to know every detail of tomorrow to trust You with today.
I don’t need to fight battles You’ve never asked me to fight.
I don’t need to chase answers that You haven’t revealed.
I don’t need to force doors that You haven’t opened.
I JUST NEED TO STAY CLOSE.
That’s my ONE JOB.
So here I am, Lord.
Still hurting.
Still healing.
Still learning how to surrender.
But HERE.
With You.
And for this moment, that is enough.
CALM THE CHAOS, LORD.
The chaos around me.
The chaos within me.
The thoughts that race.
The fears that linger.
The questions that remain unanswered.
Calm it ALL.
And while I wait for You to calm the storm around me, teach my soul to be STILL in Your presence.
Because I don’t just want You to change my circumstances.
I WANT YOU TO CHANGE ME IN THE MIDST OF THEM.
And until You tell me it’s time to move…
I’ll remain right here.
ROOTED IN YOU.
NOT FOR A MOMENT WILL I LET GO.
Amen.
